This is funny and not funny.
My oldest (who is my biggest challenge) dropped out of school this year against all of my wishes. I have done everything I know how to do to help him stay on that path, but his ODD keeps him digging in his heels against me. So I have to let go of any wishes I have and let him live his life the way he wants. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I have spent so many days (and nights) crying and feeling helpless over this. Sweet baby jesus I have cried so much this year. It fucking sucks.
I’ve told him that he can live at home if he is in school and working towards his diploma, otherwise he has to get out there and get a job and take care of himself. He chose the later. So in two months, when he turns 18, he is out of the house. I worry. I worry all the time.
I try to talk to him about planning now, getting a job now, but he won’t hear any of it. He is hoping for van life, but if he lives in his car he is fine with that he told me.
“I WANT to be homeless.” He said stubbornly
“WHAT?!” Why? Why would you say that when it is perfectly within your power not to be?“ I responded, trying to keep calm but feeling panic in my chest.
"I want to see what it’s like. I don’t want to conform to societal norms. I don’t want to work some job making a company money. Fuck that.” He says trying to sound rational, but all I can think of is, holy fuck has my hippy-like lifestyle brought us to this?? How did this happen?
“Look, I don’t work for anyone except my clients. And you could do something like this too if you don’t want to work for someone else. You just have to think a little creatively.” I say, my heart feels like it is pleading, begging him to not go into the fringes of society where I fear the worst could happen. And often does.
Our conversation goes in circles and escalates to more frantic entreaties from me for him to TRY to go back to school. TRY to find something less dangerous. He will have none of it.
So I HOPE van life for him. I hope he finds some happiness in this crazy world. This kid breaks me down on a regular basis. I do what I can, but I can’t save him from himself as much as I try.
Parenting is hard.