Tumblr Therapy Post

I hate being excluded.

Misty is off for fun sexy times tonight at a newly reopened club. I was supposed to go with her, but life had other plans today.

My oldest has been wreck this week, he has a hard time regulating his emotions. I have 3 new holes in my walls to prove it. Today was especially bad for him, as he oscillated between suicidal and homicidal. I did all that I could, using the tools I’ve learned over the last 6 years he has struggled with this. Empathizing while maintaining boundaries, giving him space to rage and hugging him when the sadness hit.

We almost went to the hospital, but Thomas decided against it. At almost 18, it’s practically impossible for me to force him to do anything. We’ve had many conversations about him taking care of his mental health, but with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) any suggestions I have are dismissed as “Boomer” (ffs, I am Gen X). So I try to encourage him to come up with his own, but then I’m yelled at for not helping. Today was that vicious circle (of hell). So as evening rolled around I knew I couldn’t leave the house. Not just for my oldest, but for my other three.

And so I wasn’t able to join Misty. S/he is going to come over afterwards. S/he called me on the way there, excited for an adventure and wanting to share that with me, I put away my pity party so I could help bring more joy into our conversation. I do want him to have fun! LOTS! I want him to have all the exciting adventures. I’m just sad I can’t join in tonight. Once I got off the phone with her (s/he had arrived at the event), the weight of all my feelings of the day hit me hard. It was a big swirly mess of fear, loss, and yearning for all of the things that are occupying my heart – my oldest, Misty, and heartbreaker (in no particular order).

I’ve spent my evening lying in bed and getting up to do check ins with everyone. All are safe and the house is reasonably quiet, the only sound being my youngest playing his guitar, which always makes my heart feel good.

For those who read these posts of me whispering into void, thank you. One of the things about losing heartbreaker was talking to him about this stuff. It makes me think of the Chopin quote that I see floating around the tumblrverse:

“It is dreadful when something weighs on your mind, not to have a soul to unburden yourself to. You know what I mean. I tell my piano the things I used to tell you.”

I am luckier than Frédéric, I have lovely souls to chat with (Misty being a huge one), so I’m not as alone as all that, but I find I do tell my tumblr things I used to tell him. I miss him.

I hope whatever emotional weight you carry is lighter tomorrow, and you get to kiss and hug your favourite people. ❤