I went to pick up the kids from after school care/day care at the end of the day, and when I walked into the building to get the older boys the care provider, Crystal, pulled me aside – I could see Thomas sitting in the corner curled into a ball.
“Thomas is in trouble and having a time out.” She tells me
“Oh god, what happened…?” I say, feeling exhausted before the parenting moment has even started.
“He called a couple of the boys ‘bitches’ and told them he was going to kick their asses.”
Now a couple of things about Thomas – he gets bullied. A lot. He is not a big guy, and he has a seriously gentle soul, that has “Make me a victim!” stamped all over it. I’ve told him he needs to stand up to bullies, if he wants it to stop. I worry about him all the time.
I apologize to Crystal (she’s lovely) and go kneel down by Thomas. He has been sobbing.
“Dude. Tell me what happened.” I say and I hug him close.
He does, he sobs harder. The other boys were teasing him and he said he just got so mad he couldn’t stop it. I listen. I think he is expecting me to be mad.
“Swearing at school is against the rules. I know they were jerks. Go to Crystal. Don’t let them get you in trouble for their gross behavior. I know they made you angry. I’m so sorry baby. It’s really unfair, but you have to work within the system. Believe me, I know of what I speak.” I tell him and kiss his head thinking there is no justice in this world.
“Now here is the hard part. You need to apologize to Crystal. She likes you and you put her in a rotten position where she had to put you in a time out – making her job unpleasant.”
He was crying, he didn’t want to get up, hysterical. Embarrassed.
“She tells you about all kinds of apps for your ipod, she sends you emails with cool links, and this is how you repay that kindness? Show *your* kindness and apologize.”
After a few minutes, he makes a barely audible apology to her. She is lovely through the whole thing.
When we are finally in our groove at home shortly afterwards, I’ve got dinner in the oven, the twins are flaked out in front of the TV, Nate is playing in his room, Thomas is helping me with dinner and setting the table. The TV’s cartoon dialogue drifts into the kitchen:
character A: “If you can guess all the answers to the questions you win, if not you lose.”
Character B: “I don’t like losing”
I laugh as I am cutting sandwiches for tomorrows lunches, “Very few people enjoy losing.”, I say looking at Thomas.
“Yeah. Like me.” he says.
“What do you mean babes?” I ask.
“Like I lost today.” he says looking down at the counter, with such a sad face it made my heart ache.
“What did you lose, honey?” I go over to him and stroke his hair.
“My dignity.”
I laughed until I had tears in my eyes, and hugged him close. My laughing made him laugh too.
I wonder, just at 8 years old, what he will be like as a man.