I met a man here on tumblr and fell madly, deeply, utterly in love with him. He loved me back, in his own weird, narcissistic-personality-disorder way.
He loved me, I loved him, he was married and loved his wife, he engaged with, (possibly loved) many, many other women while I was with him. He kept much of it secret, but some of it he shared. I love and loved all of him – the good, the bad and the twisted.
He is a man who hides a lot of himself away, even from himself, and so often he pulled away from me. But he kept me there too, with crumbs of affection, that I savoured and treasured. Every shared moment, I enjoyed and when he was distant I missed him. I never wanted to let go, I couldn’t imagine him not in my life.
This weekend, I thought about his journey and mine, and how even though we work together (for how long is unsure) our personal paths have got to part or he needed to really step up and *love* me.
I forced his hand regarding our social media ties. I told him it was a mixed signal to follow me on twitter, pinterest and g+. If he wants to be out of my life – just do it. Unfollow me. I wanted him to tell me he was finished with me. I needed him to, though he continued to ignore my pleas, even as I received work related emails from him.
I told him a confrontation was unnecessary, if he didn’t want to go through that – with his name off my lists, I would take that as a silent good-bye.
After 2 days of this he sent me a simple email titled – ‘Removed From Social Sites’
Per your request I have removed you.
Darth Maul
(he wrote his name, not actually ‘Darth Maul’)
It’s a stupid thing, but seeing the spot where he used to be on my twitter sucked the air from my chest, and left me gasping. It felt like his hand had slipped from mine, so deeply did I feel it. Such a stupid little thing.
I was sitting at my desk, instant messaging with my friend/co-worker about our project when it happened. I said ‘brb’, and sat there for a moment and let it sink in. This is good-bye. This man, whom I love is now a stranger and I must treat him as such. No more calls, no more emails, no more sharing how we are doing… I have to let go and let him live his life. I have to try and stop hoping.
I went to my car and called Jill. I cried. I pulled myself together and went back to work. With things about to go sideways, I need to stuff all my pain away and deal with it another day. Who says repression is a bad thing?
A few hours later he called me to say good-bye properly. As with every moment with him, I enjoyed it. We laughed, we shared, I felt connected to him and this time when we said our I love yous, we also said good-bye.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again.