I woke up today with a belly full of sad. 

It was a grey, gloomy morning, and before I was fully awake, there was the oh so welcome, crampy feeling. Isn’t being a woman grand?

Dreams… he haunts me. Waking up with the ghost of his lips on mine. Sometimes Dream!Darth is delicious and wonderful, others ice cold and cruel.

It’s Tuesday. And I was presenting today.  I wanted to look nice (but not too nice, like I tried too hard), but it was just one of those days when you look in the mirror and you see nothing pretty. I put on my favourite top, in hopes of feeling better. Yeah… it didn’t work. I had a moment with myself, hands on my vanity, staring at my face, trying to will positive thoughts into my head – “You are not a loser. You are not ugly. You are not pathetic. You are not forgettable.” If anything, I just felt them more fully.  Oh, and old. Yay. 

I’ve been having some interesting chats with my friend, HRB, about life, love and sex. And him. It’s funny, because she’s one of the women he was with, he cared for, she was his catalyst for change. Much needed, but whether or not he ever truly will, I’ll never really know. Anyway, I really like her. 🙂 And we have something in common, and she doesn’t judge me for still loving him. Out loud, to my face, anyway. 🙂

We both having healing to do, from different hurts (hers not as much Darth, but more recent, awful, events – sickening betrayal), and it is interesting to me how we are both doing it differently. Everyone heals in their own unique way – she told me once I helped her heal over Him, which I take as the highest compliment. Our friendship defies logic, but it is a wonderful twist of life. 

In an attempt to take care of sexual me, I’m posting on my my nsfw tumblr again. I’m not writing anything, because, well, I don’t have anything to say. “Look, other people having sex! – but don’t touch me, I don’t want to be touched.” Want to hear something truly pathetic? Sometimes the porn makes me cry. Christ, I’m a fucking mess. 

I’m hoping some exercise tonight before bed will clear my head.