Last night Kinkyminx and I were kik messaging, She was catching me up on things with her and D (*swoony goodness*) and I was my pathetic self, having just reread old texts from Darth Maul and making myself cry. That horrible full body ache.
This morning she sends me the link to a blog I follow on my NSFW tumblr herdirtylittleheart – Things That Heal an Achy-Breaky Heart – a series that, when I read it, made me smile and cry and sob. Some truths hurt. Terribly.
I’m tired of hurting. I feel like I will never be whole again. I make myself face truths like, “He is out there, enjoying life, other women and not giving you a second thought. This has not even made a blip in his life radar, and here you are curled up in bed crying, having wished for the worst things imaginable, just to not feel this way anymore – because he is not going to magically turn around and want you in the way you want him to. You are a passing fancy. You are flower he picked, smelled, looked at and then tossed in the compost. Your feelings do not matter to him.”
I need to heal. I want to be healed. As Herdirtyheart said (and is one of my own rules) – Fall 7 times, get up 8. And as Kinkyminx reminded me “Keep Trying. Stop blaming yourself because you aren’t there yet.”
My kinky friend K gave me some wonderful yoga dvds a month ago for just this reason. Nothing heals the mind and body like it. Not to push the koolaid on anyone, but seriously, for me it is a balm for the soul.
Things That Heal an Achy-Breaky Heart #1
I firmly believe that you need to let yourself wallow and experience the depth of your feelings. You need to let yourself feel the way you feel, soak in it, it’s part of the process. But then you get to a point where you feel like you’re going in circles, when you know the writing is on the wall but you’re bumping your head too hard to see it. And that’s the day you do something different.
Today I dragged my ass to yoga for the first time since my vacation. And it was the angriest yoga I’ve ever done, but It. Felt. GREAT.
“I want to invite you to knit your eyebrows together,” she said when we were in Warrior 2 (there is such power in that pose!), “and send anything you want to let go of out through your third eye and right past your front hand. Just channel it out there.” I’m surprised nothing burst into flames.
I did the crow pose for the first time. Just for a few seconds, but it took all of my focus, all of it. There wasn’t room in my head for a single other thought, I just had to breathe and balance: This is why I love yoga.
So that doesn’t mean the shitty feelings are over, it means today was the day I decided to do something different, and it was a really good choice. A lot of you have messaged me about going through changes, losses and aches of your own, and I know yoga isn’t for everyone, but my advice is the same:
Do something healthy that makes you feel good.