A couple of things happened last week. Things that as a person and parent can bring you to your knees –
- My child care subsidy was drastically reduced. So much so that I can’t afford child care – and the amount there was supposed to be a lump sum coming to my provider that isn’t now. Basically, the woman has been giving me a break waiting for what we thought would be full coverage to come in. Apparently I make too much money.
- Thomas, my oldest, had some kind of weird episode at school where he fell down clutching his head and lost vision in his left eye.
First and foremost, Thomas is fine – no brain bleeding, his vision returned and they can’t figure it out. Basically the diagnosis is migraines. But he’s been sick here (throwing up, etc), part of me wonders if it is stress. *sigh* A mother’s guilt is endless and vast. I am so, so, so, grateful that he is fine though. Christmas miracle number 1.
Next, the day I found out I was no longer eligible for child care subsidy (which was the day before Thomas’ episode) was a totally blow. There I was at work, I had faxed a hand written letter to the government branch saying my mother was allowed to speak on my behalf (since they are only open from 8-4, and that’s when I work, and I had already spent a small fortune on hold on my cell phone on my 30 minute lunch breaks), and they called me on my cell to tell me the news – my mother had insisted.
So I can’t afford to have anyone watch my kids, was all I could think. I said that to her, starting to cry, right there at my desk, “Who is going to watch my kids? How am I supposed to work?”. The woman didn’t know what to say to me.
I thought of my daycare provider, who just opened her facility, who really has gone out of her way to help me… what the hell was I going to tell her? My two older boys go to before and after school care, the twins are in all day day care… the bill is enormous. It could be my roofing money.
I had to call her. All I could think was, how am I going to pay this woman? I can’t even pay the bills going forward. She would be well within her rights to say to me right there, come get your kids, and i couldn’t fault her one bit. I went to my car to make the call and had a good hard cry. I talked to Mr Maul first. He at least made me laugh amidst the tears. He’s very good at that.
I thought I could clean her facility on the weekends (take the kids), maybe nights if Ginny could watch them. I could do any kind of graphics she needed. Just to pay what I owe her. I tried not to think about going forward. I felt sick.
When I told her what had happened, I told her what i could do to try and pay her back, she was so unbelievably kind… and that made me cry harder. Even thinking about it now makes me cry. She said to me she forgave me the back debt, and that going forward I would just pay my part as if I was receiving full subsidy. She said to me that she, and the ladies who work for her, have a lot of respect for me, she said my kids are wonderful and she can see what a good Mum I am. She knows that I could quit, and go on welfare, but that I am a person with integrity and a whole bunch of other wonderful things that I can’t even believe. After I talked to her, I sat in the car and cried. Gross, body wracking sobs. My kids were happy and being taken care of, I didn’t need to quit my job, and someone I hadn’t expected such things from, believed good things of me, saw me in a light that I can’t even see myself in. It was too much. Christmas miracle number 2.
Now I have been working like a rented mule all December. Which is totally fine, I love my job, I love being there, it makes things a little tough getting home late everyday, but the kids have been troopers, and I’ve been repeating the mantra, “Slow down, and enjoy the moments you do have.” Everynight on the way home from picking them all up, we toodle around the village and look at the lights, sing Boney M, and decompress. It’s been good for all of us. So the other night, I left a little early from work (my normal time) so we could go to see the CP Christmas Train (seriously cool) and deposit my pay. I ran over to the bank drive through, made my deposit, pulled my receipt out of the machine and damn near had a heart attack.
Now it should be noted that my taxes (thanks to the ex doing a bunch of shady jack ass things) were totally crazy. A friend of parents who is an accountant was kind enough to jump into the fray and insisted on helping me with my taxes. He told me I should be getting a sizable amount back. My response to that was I would believe it when I saw it. Well, it came. It came right to my account. I’m embarrassed to say I have never had that kind of money at one time, I thought it must be some kind of mistake and then I looked at my account and that it was from the government. Christmas miracle number 3.
I called my daycare provider and told her what had happened and I want to pay her, we’ll meet tomorrow to sort it all out. It won’t be in my account long, but it feels so damn good to be able to pay this woman, I can’t even tell you.
I have been so damn lonely the last little while, with Darth off doing his own thing(s), the realization that he doesn’t love me the way I want and need sometimes stings. I love him anyway though. I want to be His, in that D/s way, but he doesn’t want that with me. And so I am in the weird occasionally sexual, friend zone. I suppose I shouldn’t trivialize the role of confidant, I just look at what I had with him, after just meeting him last year this time and miss that. Miss his affections – dominant and otherwise.
So with a lonely but extremely grateful heart I go into the Christmas season.
I hope you have wonderful Christmas miracles too, and someone to share them with, kiss, cuddle and be as kinky with as is your pleasure (and theirs too!).
~ Becca