Andy Goldsworthy  (via moloweez)

What is the most natural state of you?

When are you at your most authentic?

Have you ever felt like that? 

I have. It is a terrific state – amazing! When what you believe, what you hold dear, and how you act/behave are all congruent. Hot fucking damn, does that feel gooood. It is me at my most awake, my most present. Happiest.

I’m not really there right now. A lot of that has to do with still being in love with him (what the hell is the matter with me?!), and not being able to do anything about it, but ignore it. I have to treat him like a work stranger, which goes against every fiber of my being. But at the same time, I know there is nothing there for me – less than nothing. It is the craziest, most unpleasant feeling ever. I still dream about him, and Wednesday morning, while I was driving into work a song came on that overwhelmed me. It was like he was *there*, beside me in the car. I could almost smell him, his presence was so enormous. I remembered our drive through SF, or him giving me the Darth tour of Vegas, after he picked me up from the airport, the sun setting, the way he held my hand while he drove. Before I could stop myself these memories hit me like a vicious beating. 

There goes the eye make up and it’s not even 7:45am.

Then I can’t help thinking about everything else – reminding myself of all the lies. I keep thinking/telling myself, he kept me around to stroke his ego, maybe he felt sorry for me, like I was some kind of charity-fuck. “Look at the struggling older woman, single mom.”. Every woman I ever asked him about or he told me about, I asked, “Do/did you love her? Fall in love with her?” – he always answered me, “No.”, but I wonder too, if he didn’t just say that to try and leave me one thing to feel special about, when in fact there really was nothing special. And then I think, “Does it matter? Why the sweet fuck am I even thinking about this – him – anymore?!”

I look forward to being 100% Natural Becca again. Someday.