Preschool Graduation and a call from Kinky K.
(a surprising angry post)

Tonight was the twins preschool grad, it was all the adorable you could possibly image, with each kid getting up and telling the auditorium what they wanted to be when they grew up. Gigi, a mermaid, and Oliver, Jack Frost. Why be something regular when you can have magical powers? Come on now!

I wish I had tried out for mermaid-dom. 

Kinky K called me today, which was awesome. I love her, and she dished out the tough love to me. 

“Never say never. I’m serious. You are a very sexual woman, there is no way you can’t have *someone* in your life.”

“I won’t K. I don’t want anyone in my heart. In my life. No. No.” I squeak out the last bit crying.

“You of all people are going to find someone. Sorry, I don’t believe it. You need sex. Even if I have to come out there and have sex with you.” She says, which makes me snort out a laugh over the painful tears that just won’t leave me the fuck alone. 

We talk about never saying never. Which I would agree, normally is a ridiculous, dramatic thing to say (and she accuses me of ‘loving my drama’ which I deny, laughing).

“Fine, I will adjust my tumblr post.” I tell her. In my head I think, there is no god damned, mother fucking way, I am ever going to open myself to another human being again. Ever. Nope. I don’t have to say never. I’m going to say “I won’t".

What Darth left me with was a giant whole where my heart was. He had it and drop kicked it into the fucking trash. He rejected me. For everyone and anyone and a future of more of the same. He was slumming. I get it. I have a giant fucking ego problem thinking I had somehow managed to be slightly more cared about – that he *loved* me. 

I’m a fucking moron. 

K said, “When you’re ready, you’ll find someone.“

To which I responded, "I won’t be ready. Walls, motes, sharks with laser beams… no one is getting in here.” I think K was ready to kill me. 🙂 Or slap me. Or sign me up for some colon hydrotherapy. 

We talk about meeting this year for a vegan yoga retreat extravaganza. 

“Think about all the yummy bendy yoga men.” She laughs.

“Ugh, no. You can have them all.” feeling more excited about the prospect of eating tofu than being close to anyone. Physically or emotionally. And I hate tofu. 

I felt like the bratty, pouty bitch. Which made me feel lousy. And angry. I felt fucking terrible that I couldn’t just embrace my friend’s love and advice. 

I want to just *be*. Calm. Pain free. I want to love my friends, family and kids. I want to take my appreciation of them to new levels in my life. I want to be a resource, a support, a place of recharging for them. I don’t want to push them away with the prickly skin I’m working on. No, that is reserved for any one possibly interested in me. I am not the droid you are looking for. Love doesn’t grow here. Seriously, don’t fucking touch me. 

See, prickly like a puffer fish.