I’m totally a front row kind of gal.

It’s scary, exhilarating and joyous – full on belly laugh style. That said there are some bumps that can make your eyes well up, and urge to vomit is overwhelming.  Where all you can do is hold on.

Misty and I got up to some fun Friday night – unexpected things happened. I often wonder if the amazing times we have are as wonderous to her/him as they are me… Honestly, surreal and front row style fabulous.

We started the night out talking in the car – I hit a bump while we were discussing March break. S/he will be on a tropical vacation with her/his family, and I have the kids leaving on their first extended leave. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, it’s not like I don’t know the score, but sometimes the reality of my life sneaks up on me and gives me a good hard slap. S/he held my hand. I worked on shaking it off as we found a couple on craigslist and emailed them looking to play. They had decided to stay in that night, but we exchanged pictures and talked about another night. They looked fun.

Next we went to a sexy trans clubhouse where we met some fun and interesting people. We were late to the event, as it was wrapping up (not us! Late?), but I had a fabulous time just taking it all in, and got a couple of delicious squeezes from a Domme named Velvet Steele – oh my… I liked her a lot. We both did. She was delicious!

We were invited back to one of the attendees condos, but decided to go out dancing instead, and then as we went towards the dance club decided strip clubs! So that’s what we did. We hit two. We talked, stared into each other’s eyes, people/girl watched, s/he felt me up, touched me under my skirt, I had a couple intense orgasms right there in a room full of mostly vanilla strangers… it was erotic and fun.

And we had dirty, naughty sex in one of the bathroom stalls. Afterwards laughing that naturally we would pick the one with no toilet paper. 

After closing down the last place, we drove back to our pull out and cuddled in my suv in our sleeping bags. And more sex. Then a tiny nap before I had to head back to make pancakes for my babysitter and peeps.

I had an amazing time. Did I say that already? God damn did I ever.

I’ve hit some emotional bumps since – the whole “this is so different, and I don’t know where it leads, and I don’t know what I should and can want, and god help me, I love him/her so much… ”.  Last night I laid awake staring at the ceiling running every possible scenario I could think of where we are all happy – them and me. I don’t know what it is about middle of the night deep thoughts that they tend to run on the less optimistic side of things – where I let my insecurities run away with me, and the roller coast seems less thrilling and more terrifying. Bring the bottle and throw the cap away, it was pity party time. It’s silly and stupid to imagine things that make yourself cry in the middle of the night.

And yet, I still don’t want to sit in the third row. 

With our texts today I felt better, that we can make this unconventional thing work. It’s an interesting thing, where a series of texts can make you feel as though your hand has been gently taken, kissed, and reassurance sweeps the cloudy, dark thoughts away. More wonderful, good things to be thankful for. 

I still don’t know where we are going, but in end I want him (and them) to be happy and I want to be happy too – I’m letting those thoughts be my guiding light.