I am struggling with limits today. With what feel like ceilings. I can only have *this* much Misty, for example.
Okay, that’s really what I’m struggling with…
I love her/him and I want more.
Which makes me feel ungrateful and greedy
But tonight I need to soak it all in, drink on the sight, sounds, touch and taste of her/him.
I’m not a sit-around-on-my-hands-and-hope-things-happen kind of gal.
But I have to wait for my night… It’s hard.
… I wrote the above last night, on my phone waiting in our spot.
It was an emotional night for me. And now I have to wait a whole week. *sigh*
As much as I am allowed to want MORE (not all just more). I need to embrace the happiness of what I have. Let go of the longing. I’m not sure how to balance that.
I also need to come to peace with his love for his wife, and their relationship. I have a whole bunch of thoughts about that. I had hoped that she would someday want to be my friend, since we share something so special, we both love the same amazing person. Clearly we have things in common! I had hoped that. But from the sounds of it, she has made up her mind about me, and the person I am. She has made it clear she doesn’t want me around, but she puts up with it for him, because she loves him. What do you even do with that? What would you do in my shoes? How would you navigate this? I’m in relationship no mans land! Send water.
I’ve never waited for happiness, I drag it along with me – kicking and screaming sometimes. I go out and find the things that bring it out in me. I do those things. I am an active participant in my happiness, as I really believe it doesn’t fall into your lap. Change your fate, if your not happy – I live that way.
But I do wait for Fridays/Misty time. And I realize now why that chaps my ass. There is nothing to be done about the wait. I am at the whims, desires of others with this one. I am not captaining this ship. I’m holding on to the rail, sometimes smiling into the crashing, tumultuous surf, sometimes green and vomiting my guts out. I also wonder who’s steering, though I think I occasionally get my hands on the wheel.
Tonight I am getting ready and going to dinner with my fabulous 70 year old friend Ginny. There will be beer. And boy talk.
Love the sweet jesus, holy-fuck-I’m-so-lucky, shit out of your lover/partner tonight. Love them like you’re time is up. Do it for those of us who can’t.
Don’t wait.