Good morning tumblr peeps,

Today is a better day. 

Tomorrow is going to be better (from my ipod list)

Fear is a terrible thing. So is having a trigger. Darth (since he created it) knows how to stomp on that fucker. 

I want to be loved. I want to be included. I want to be that touch stone place for the person I love. That sacred place. A place where I can be seen – all of me, the dark, the muddy the light – and be myself. Not just once sided. And the other person gets to be all them. All accepting. Dark, scary, light, all the flaws and goodness laid bare.

Darth talked to me about how so many of the ladies he fucked with just saw a sliver of who he was. Some saw a little more, but no one saw him. He wanted/wants to be seen. Hopefully he sorts that shit out for himself. 

I’ve told Misty exactly what I want, what I need. We’ll see how things go – anything is possible. I love him/her. Even the parts that are inconsiderate, darker and self-serving. ‘Cause guess what, I’ve got parts like that too. His non-love love is pretty damn awesome. Even when he can’t tell me I’m the fairest one of all. I’ll take Ms. Congeniality. I’ve never been the prettiest anyway. My strengths don’t lay in the symmetry of my face, or firmness of my body. I’ve got laugh lines and I jiggle when I run – I am just me. Take it or leave it.

I forgot to mention that I sent a text to his wife the night when he was here regarding his broken phone. It read “Hi *her name*! 🙂 Just wanted to let you know *boy side’s name*’s phone died and won’t turn back on, he wanted me to let you know.  So you won’t worry.”

I never got one little response. Which is telling. No ‘thank you’? I don’t even get courtesy? Am I undeserving of that? I mentioned this to my sister. She isn’t surprised, but she is coming at it from her perspective – she would hate it if my brother were out having sex/other relationships with people. That is not a life she would chose *at all*. She feels that his wife has no choice, that she’s been pushed down that road. Well, I think everyone has a choice – it may not be a good one, or one that is easy, but there is always choice. What I know of their arrangement is that it is fair and both ways. They have been to enough counselors and therapy to have their own degrees. They have had many crossroads where even though there are so many things they do not see eye-to-eye on they continue to CHOOSE to be together. The love and the things they share must be worth the struggle. Though being cold to me, someone who came into this late in the game, when it was already 10 years in full swing/open-ness, who LOVES him and doesn’t want to fuck with the marriage and has tried to prove that just seems… mean. But I don’t walk in her shoes, I don’t even pretend to understand her. I don’t know what she wants. I don’t know how she envisions her life. Why has she made choices she made? For one, I’d want him/her naked all the damn time – I’d be like ants on a delicious cupcake. But we are different people, she and I. 

I am trying to make my life just what I want. 

My family and friends are doing an amazing job at being open to my nontraditional life, but they totally relate to his/her wife finding me in their lives impossible. But if there is one thing I really love to do it’s proving that things can be done, even the seemingly impossible. Maybe one day she and I will be friends.