Soft Touch by Kenny Alevxey – http://ift.tt/1cBrC24
Often when I wrote about Darth, I talked about being a daisy. An unremarkable flower in a field – a girl like most.
It is sad, that when Misty/boy-side goes off to smell the flowers, as it were, I feel so unremarkable again. Why do I feel less? Why does it hurt me?
S/he texted me his evening out, the girl Angelica and he. Kisses, touches exchanged. I want to hear about it. I want him to live fully, and yet my heart hurts.
Not for the first time I wish my heart loved differently. I wish I didn’t ache feeling left out, or like yesterday’s news. We texted a bit about that. He said, “That is a fit thing… we fit well… really well. But we are not a perfect fit…
I hate when you prefer that i self impose a cage because you are not included though.
And you hate my having any desire to pursue things when you are not included.”
I felt that was unfair – I don’t want him in a cage. People are their most beautiful and authentic when they are free. I’m allowed to be fucking bummed out because he’s on vacation with his wife, who treats me like a massage parlor, and is currently seducing a pretty young thing. I’m allowed to not be excited about that. I’m glad that he finds people who make him feel good, sexy, desired, who turn him on and make him feel alive and possibly get to do his favourite things with (read, dirty sex, and touch of all kinds). I wish him all those things. I wish I didn’t have to feel like a 2nd class citizen in the process.
In my sports analogy of love and life, it’s like getting benched. Watching from the sidelines but wanting to be out there more than anything. I tried to explain that to him.
He said to me to play a different shift. Go find lovers essentially. He told me, you are free to have as many as you like. I think He even suggested 12.
Where love is ever flowing and has no fire capacity (i believe), time is finite. I would rather spend the evening on the phone with him, chatting and working than out trying to drum up lovers. And I don’t want a bunch of lovers. I want meaningful caring relationships. Not that those two concepts are mutually exclusive, but I think for me, my needs are odd.
I’m sure, if your reading this you are trying to decide/pigeon hole if I’m poly or mono. Fuck the labels.
I value freedom. I value being able to act and be as I please. As I am. When I love someone, I love them fiercely. With all of me. I love Misty. I still love Darth. One love does not cross out the other.
I find my heart needs something these days. As much as Misty is my partner in crime, I find my heart wants a partner in all things. Wants love. Love love.
I am not his wife. I am not his primary life partner. I am a slightly different daisy in a field of daisies. But I am still a daisy.
I want to be special. Wanted. Cherished. Fought for. Valued. Like every other damn girl.