Keep on keepin’ on.

I hope you are. I hope, with the cyclical nature that is living, you are getting more highs than lows. At least that the lows are well within your strength to deal.

I hope you’re in a good place today. One that involves nudity. And dirty talk.

I’m in my monthly blue time. I find I often reflect on where my heart is during this time – firmly pressed up against Misty/boy-side, wanting lots and lots of attention. I think about s/he and I and wish for security… Love and something to sooth my fears that I will be left behind.

Poly/mono… Where do I fall in the relationship spectrum? I can’t rightly say. I am both?

I want a partner. A touch stone. I want to be loved, deeply and passionately with a light touch. I want to adventure sexually with this person. I want to feel free and held, all at once.

I don’t want to be excluded. I don’t want to exclude my partner.

I want honesty. I can’t live without that now. It is a deal breaker.

I do not want a cage. No cages. I want the open road, with the scary paths that come with it. Adventure!!

I want to be cherished. Valued.

I have a lot of these things. No question. And yet… At this blue time of month I am filled with fear. My thoughts are of waiting for him to find someone he wants to spend time with… And how that feels when it happens.

Painful as all fuck.

Why do I fear these things? Even if the worse came to pass, I will survive it. I have to. What is that saying… “With great risk comes the ass kicking of a lifetime”. Or something like that.

It’s late, boy-side is out with friends, I stayed home with Mum while she’s here visiting. I feel left out. Forgotten about. I have baggage. I know it.

So I’m in my tub, writing to you, in the hopes my cheap therapy works. And I’m wondering what direction the path will go. Will I fall to my knees and not want to ever get back up, will I be happy in my roller coaster life, will boy-side/Misty love me and be my partner or will I be lonely. Again. Possibly for good.

We’ll see.