I wrote to a tumblr friend today a bit about the therapy I have been taking (I’m on a bit of a hiatus, due to back to school and extra kid activity expenditures). It has been eye opening. Game changing. An exercise in opening up some really sore and ugly ares of myself. 

I can’t remember if I wrote about why I started or not, but it became clear after Misty/boy-side and my trip to Mexico, I had some baggage that needed to be addressed. Immediately. It was about poly, and how we both have different definitions, and beyond that, how my self worth was making it hard to even honor my own version of it. 

So off to therapy I went – I found someone who specifically deals with poly relationships.  

I really, really, really hate labels. Like really. Especially when I don’t slot neatly into a specific category (when the hell does that happen?). I love that my counselor told me that there are as many definitions of poly as there are people doing it. And the way I want to express it isn’t wrong, and I can call it whatever the fuck I want to.  

For me (as I wrote to my friend today),  poly is having my main/primary partner that I explore sex and people with (and maybe the odd solo venture) but in the end it is us and we are each other’s touch stones, with an intimacy that transcends all others. And there is 100% transparency and honesty. I know for lots of Poly folks where that is considered more “Swinging” and I’ve faced some attitudes where that was looked down upon, and not a true “poly” experience. 

I just stuck my middle finger up in the air. 

Misty/boy-side has a different way of looking at it, and would happily have more relationships in his/her life, but is honoring my definition. I need to really show that more care, that he does this. It’s a big deal. 

It really became clear in the process of counselling that I have serious self worth issues. I know you’re all shocked. (/sarcasm font) But like most things, it’s really hard to see how bad it is when you’re right there in it. And during my blue time of month, when the negative inner voice is at it’s most strength, it is very difficult. maybe I’m like most girls, I don’t know. I know most suffer from some kind of twisted self view, whether it be because of the media, experiences or our environment (or all the things).This voice of mine, took on a persona of it’s own, I called her “Mean Girl”.

The kicker is, it’s just me. Being a bully to myself. And why is there a part of me that’s a bully? Like any bully, it got hurt. Badly. And that part of me is crying out for attention in the worst way. If I let it, I can make myself cry with the cruel things I say to myself. 

How does it all tie into my feelings in my relationship, and how I deal with poly situations?  I feel unworthy of love, and that in the end, I will be alone.  I will not be chosen, and I will always be the one with less. And I can either chose to have the relationship crumbs (like I did with mountain-view-dom), and being put to the aside, only to be truly interacted with on the other’s terms, or I can move on. It took me a long time to learn that lesson with MVD, that I needed to move the fuck on. It was really hard to let go when there always seemed to be this terrible hope – a hope for what exactly, it’s hard to say.  

One the plus side, that is all in the past. And I learned a lot about what I want. And things to avoid. Maybe there are still lessons in there – like one of those disgusting owl vomit/pellets – and I’ll be discovering new bits in there all the time. 

In the meantime, more effort goes into silencing, and healing, that negative voice in there, so I can get on with the important things – living the most fulfilling, exciting, fun, happy life possible.