Wisdom from my dash… 🙂

I would never want to change someone I loved. It’s an as is where is process. But if they don’t love you back? What do you do with that? What can you do? See what happens? 

I just don’t know, my friends. 

I participated in the way Darth loved me until he told me we would never be together again. Ever. He told me it was time to let go. He did tell me he loved me in that last conversation though… which oddly felt good. He will always be in my heart, that bastard (I’m smiling as I type that). But he taught me, upon lots and lots of reflection that there is real merit in letting go. And that I could have done it myself earlier. Maybe I was worried that I’d give up that one month too soon, before the planets had a chance to align and things would magically come together? It wouldn’t have been giving up. But I am not a quitter, especially when I feel hope. Darth taught me there is such a thing as false hope.

I loved my first Dom, but it was so… superficial. He wasn’t *real* with me, it was all so very D/s M/s – we played roles with each other. Looking back I see it for the catalysis it was. That relationship was able to take me to the next place I needed to be. Pointed out some crazy gaping holes in my life that I really needed filled (that was way less dirty in my head), and gave me the courage to change my life. But the love I had for him was shallow, and blew away with his lack of depth with me. How the passion of the moment can take your breath away though. 

The differences with Misty/& boy side is that s/he treats me so well, allows me deep into her thoughts and feelings, wants to share with me all experiences, s/he has let me into her/his life in different ways, wants a future of some kind. S/he wants me to be me – grow and learn and experience everything I want to. Amazing, mind blowing sex aside, I love his/her mind. The incredibly kind and flawed person s/he is. We’re all just trying to make our ways, but s/he tries to learn about x-self – s/he’s a student of life, of x-self and of others. S/he is a positive realist. S/he is a doer – not just a talker. S/he gets shit done, and in creative, amazing ways. How did my heart even stand a chance?  

So now here I am, in the presence of this amazing person that my heart has opened up completely to and I have choices – I can continue on loving him/her and just see where that takes me (I’ve already plotted out worst case scenarios) or … I can apply lessons I’ve learned. 

Am I making this a choice when it doesn’t have to be? Maybe. I just don’t want to end up as broken as I was after Darth, especially when this is already so much deeper than that. 

What’s a stupid girl to do?