41 is damn fine. 

My birthday was yesterday, and if you’ve been here since last year, you’ll know it’s been a hell of a 40th year. I had dreaded 40. I was afraid of being OLD. I had planned on renting a hotel room and drinking alone until I passed out. Cry, mope, pity party it up. But I didn’t  – I chose love. I went straight to my brother and sister’s house after a day of spa self love, and enjoyed the warmth of the people I love. There was wine, and apple smoked cheddar and the Lumineers on a record player being flipped/on repeat all night long. 40 came in like a soft kiss on my forehead. 

40… I was so fearful of love, of ever letting anyone into my heart and life again. I felt raw. I went to New York, and spent a week ruminating on my heart, my Darth damage (which is still there in surprise pockets – like biting into something and finding that molten hotspot that burns like a son of a bitch), my fears and my hopes. 

I thought about how far I had come since leaving my ex (still not officially). I celebrated my independence with fireworks on the Chelsea Pier. I came back home with a lightness in my heart and yen for adventure that had been lost for some time. 

I credit her-royal-blueness and taraghmeni for my forray into fetlife. It was their example of getting out there that helped me feel like I wasn’t alone there – that I was among friends. 

I was talking to a lost and now found again friend 2 nights ago, I’ll call her Ms Kiss, and we talked about attraction. She said, “it’s like the room is flat, filled with people and then -POP-, there is that person in 3D.” That was exactly how I felt about Misty’s profile… this incredible, colourful, 3D, person. I was drawn. I messaged her. The rest is my 40th year’s flavour – lip stick kisses and heart healing love. 

Yesterday I had a wonderful day with my kids and a wondrous night with him/her. S/he gave me the most thoughtful gift… it made me cry, it was so unexpected. 

I fight my weight (a constant battle) and my sister and I have challenged each other to run, to help us stay the course. We’re at the baby steps of 18K a week. We have a google shared doc spreadsheet to track, we encourage, we talk smack – it’s awesome. I can’t run outside normally, since I can’t leave the house with my peeps alone, so I use the treadmill. My friend Ginny and I swapped exercise equipment – my stationary bike for her treadmill. It’s been fabulous. I run looking at a wall. I decorate the wall with motivational things I find online. I tell Misty how I’m doing, and s/he would be “How can you do that!? What do you do?” Of course running outside is more interesting – I people watch, I enjoy the scenery of where I live, running inside it’s harder to not look at the timer/km ticker, time can take longer. But as s/he says, “It is what it is.” You just have to get the shit done. 

S/he gave me for my birthday walks of the world – to put on my wall in front of my tread mill so I can run in beautiful places all over the world. I love it so much, s/he said to me s/he wanted to make it easier for me… it made me feel warm all over, loved. 

I wrote a post a while back with a Brotips #273 as it’s image – I was dreaming big (as I do) – and I have AMAZING news, I GOT MY MORTGAGE APPROVAL!!!!!!! It has been almost 2 years of trying to get that sorted out and dealt with, but I finally got approval last Friday. I’ve been blissed out for the entire week leading up to my birthday. I DID IT. I dreamed big, and worked hard, I had love and support of family and friends and my mortgage wish came true. I’m going to keep dreaming big. I blew out my candles with my kids cheering me on and wishes in my heart.

I’m sinking my teeth into 41. So far, absolutely delicious.