Misty/boy side for the win, baby. 

S/he really knows how to make me feel better. *le dreamy sigh*

We were cuddled in bed after showering last night, I’d had an emotional day before and that had carried through most of that day.

My ex called to tell me he wasn’t going to take the kids for Christmas this year. A  few fun facts:

1. We had decided in our settlement that we would split the Christmas break – one person got the week leading up to Christmas and the other person would get the 24th to new years.
2. My ex moved to Ontario to live with his girlfriend and her kids. The kids and I live in BC. 
   
3. Last year he decided not to take his week leading up to Christmas, but he did see them in December when he flew in for the big company Christmas party. For the weekend. Of which one night he and his girlfriend went to the big shindig.
   
4. My kids got a month and a half with him over the summer, and they have been looking forward to Christmas. 
   
5. Part of the reasoning behind his move was to make more money with his company (they transferred him from here) – he claimed on his taxes less money and is paying less in child support now. 
6. His parents live 30 minutes away and my kids barely see them – they just don’t ask to see them often. 

I suggested to my ex, that maybe he think about coming out and spending Christmas with his folks so that the kids can see him, spend the holidays with him. He’d only have to pay for one ticket. He told me it was still too expensive. He went to New Orleans with his girlfriend and some other friends for and NFL game for his birthday. 

You know, I don’t give a flying fuck how he lives – I don’t care if he is rolling in the money or how he spends his time. I do care that he is thoughtless about our kids. MY kids. When I told them they would be upset, he said “they’ll get over it. I’ll just explain we’ll have next year.”

He is a fucking idiot.

I deal with their heartbreak on a regular basis. I don’t talk about it, because what is there to say? My kids feel abandoned by their Dad? D’uh!

Anyway, I needed to talk to Misty/boy-side – with things feeling like they are spinning out of control and knowing my kids are in for big time heart ache, I needed to touch my touch stone.

S/he was unavailable.  S/he was with his family having good family time.

Buuuuurn. 

With my struggle with wanting more of his/her time, this just shone a blazing hot spot light on my alone-ness. The fact that I am priority #2 felt like a sucker punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of me. 

It’s funny how things we know to be true can still hit us/surprise us. Take Christmas – same time every year (not even jumping around like Easter) and people go in to panic mode getting shit done. Holy shit, it’s fucking Christmas! 

I laid in bed that night, tears streaming down my face, wondering WHY DO I DO THIS? 

And then I spoke with him the next day. We talked. And talked. And worked on my house. And played and fucked. And talked some more. 

S/HE is why I do this. 

So back to the post shower snuggling, gearing up for dirty naughty sex (Sue, we got a sound kit – I’m not kidding, I’ll send you a pic), and we’re kissing and the way s/he looks at me burns into my soul. I’m completely, utterly, feeling all the unsaid things. 

“If I could be rich, I’d want to be rich in time with you.” I say as we rub our noses together, and I feel the softness and boyness of her/his cheek. “I want to spend that time like I have endless amounts – foolishly, with recklessness. Any way I please. Never looking at my watch. " 

Then we really did make love.