Misty and I often have conversations where we make the point, “You can know something, be aware of it but not have a deep realization of it.”

I was dumped, and Sweet boy was kind and doesn’t want me 100% gone, but the realization of him not wanting me in his life like we were before hit me like a freight train this morning. No more good morning, or good nights. No more wanting to know more about me or offering up more about him. Those intimacies are gone. Gone. And even though he doesn’t want me 100% gone, I VASTLY over estimated the amount he actually wants me around. Painfully so. Oh my fucking god, that hurt more than I thought it would. I’ve been distracting myself with posting, nurturing hope… kidding my fucking self.

The self talk in my head is vicious. It feels like my insides have been beaten to a bloody pulp. As I read his short message that brushed me off, and the dawning of truly internalizing the reality of who we are to each other now sunk in, my inner monologue became rapid fire punches of cruelty towards myself. Now everything hurts.

I am a fucking idiot.

I AM A TOTAL FUCKING GROSS-CAN’T-TAKE-A-HINT-PATHETIC-IDIOT.