I am o.k.

S/he did text me a various points during his Mary-Joe adventure, who ended up being a douche bag. S/he filled me in on all the details today.

It all feels surreal. I’m a giant tangled mess. There will be more Mary-Joes.

I believe in freedom. It’s not the woman/women, it’s me not being a part of it that grinds my heart up. Though I am sure you could throw in some Darth baggage for good measure.

I laid in bed last night, constructing a whole sport analogy for myself about it.

It all comes down to me wanting to be in the game, not warming the bench. Included in all ways. And with the way things are, I can’t be. That’s the rub.

With tumblr supplying me with a never ending dash supply of what love is supposed to be, look and taste like, it’s hard. There is a quote, “We accept the love we feel we deserve.” that I have seen floating around many times. I think that is true of more than just love. We set the bar for ourselves about everything. What do I deserve?

I deserve to be loved out loud.

Proudly.

With passion.

I may never get that though, from anyone.

I never want to cage or hem in the person I love. I love Misty/boy-side. I want the person I love to be happy, enjoy life to the absolute fullest. I want him/her to want to be with me too, that being happy and living to the fullest means including me, sharing his life with me. Take me on the Mary-Joe adventures. Not sitting on the sidelines. Excluded.

Where do we go from here? (cue the Buffy music) This map fucking stinks.