Tumblr Therapy
(so feel free to scroll past and get to sexier things)

I’m so in need of writing it out, my tumblr therapy, and I find I am just a broken record. It absolutely fucking sucks to have someone, who doesn’t want to be, stuck in your heart. To have been so wrong about about a person’s care, that I had the wind knocked out of me when it came to an end – an end I didn’t see coming. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, but I can’t help thinking “What a dumbass.”

Trying to be “friends”, just feels crazy, as I struggle like a drowning person to manage my feelings, my inability to give up, and trying not to make more of an ass of myself. It feels an impossible task some days.

It has shocked me how painful this process has been so far. I mean, it’s been over since July for fuck’s sake. And sure, there are times that are better than others. My friends have been amazing (omg, thank you), as I ride the grief roller coaster. And Misty has been a saint, with her affection and care. Even just this past weekend, we were having breakfast, and my phone popped up a random tumblr notification. I looked at her, and out of nowhere I just said, “I still miss him.”

“I know. I wish I could help you – help the pain go away.” and s/he took my hand. A fucking saint.

I am looking forward to the sweet release that apathy brings. When seeing his messages doesn’t make my heart skip a beat, or even just thinking about him and not aching for the closeness (I thought) we shared.

I’ve been telling myself, “It was all just a crazy dream I had.” That the person I met, doesn’t really exist. Because that person liked me back. Looking at it like that helps a little. I don’t feel quite so embarrassed, that I opened myself up and was all in, hearts in my eyes.

So until apathy sinks in, I am just trying my best. To be a friend. To not be so… me – and keep my affection to myself. At some point I’m hoping I’m able to swim these waters.