When I was 19, and had just backpacked from Alberta to Nova Scotia, I got to spend a couple of months with my folks before I launched out again for good.
During that time I had a lot of very candid conversations with my Mum. We’ve always been close.
We talked about boys, and relationships. I was still recovering from my very first heartbreak, and had thrown myself into rebound relationships and what I liked to call “sport fucking”. It definitely taught me that kind of response did not work, and you couldn’t use another person like a bandaid. It was a good lesson.
My mother was also healing her heart over my Dad’s infidelity(s?) and the two of us learned these hard lessons at the same time. Me at 19 and her at 43.
But it wasn’t all gloomy heartache bullshit, there were some incredibly fun experiences in there too. Some of those boys, however brief our time together, I will always remember fondly (with a wicked glint in my eye, I’m sure). And also the woman’s wisdom passed down and shared.
One night, during this time, my mother and I were talking about sex, and what made for a good partner. I’ll never forget what she said to me.
“There are two things to look for that I think speak to what a man will be like, not just as a lover, but as a partner. One – if he won’t kiss you after a blow job, get out of there. He should be so… honoured (thrilled even!), that not kissing you should never even occur to him. And two, and this may be even more important, if he won’t go down on you with enthusiasm, he isn’t worth a second more of your time.” she told me with all the seriousness I’ve ever heard from her.
It was the most frank, bald, completely unvarnished sexual advice she’s ever given me. Even still. And I can’t say she’s been wrong.
