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The Heartbreaker Epilogue – Part 1

I was lying in bed on a Sunday, over a month ago, snuggled up beside Misty wondering how the hell am I ever going to move on. Heartbreaker was still a constant thought in the background, there hadn’t been a day go by where I didn’t feel an ache at some point. All my reading, research, going out with friends, getting freaky with Misty, family game nights and knitting weren’t banishing him. I was getting angry, which is never an emotion I enjoy or turn to.  

Misty has a name for the part of me that gets shit done, s/he calls it my “Action Girl”. When my Action Girl is engaged, I do whatever I need to do to move myself out of whatever stuck situation I’m in. I was in a holding pattern – we are following each other here and on facebook, a radio silence that had been there since November with me occasionally trying (lamely) to get his attention with reblogs or likes, and getting excited over the odd time he’d reblog me. I kept seeing him still being there as a hopeful sign, maybe there was a chance at a friendship or something…? Ugh. It was painful. 

Action Girl was ready to stir things up. I needed this to go one way or the other – if he was done with me, let’s just cut the fucking cord and be done, but if he wanted to be friends, or who knows what the future could bring, then let’s do that. But enough with what felt like purgatory. As I was cuddled into Misty (who was sleeping peacefully), I did a quick “what’s the worst thing that could happen” check with myself, and decided to message him. 

I asked him a version of the Clash’s age old question, should I stay or should I go. Thinking I would either get A) no response and being unfollowed or blocked or B) him telling me that he’d unfollow and unfriend me and to have a good life, sort of goodbye. I didn’t get either of those. Instead he asked me if we couldn’t just stay mutuals, interacting without a lot of messaging. I said okay. The part of my heart that didn’t want him to be gone, that enjoyed his company, wanted to not let go, even though the logical part of my brain was yelling at me, “What has changed?! Why are you doing this?! A person who wants you around, wants you around. Jesus fuck…” But we all know how much pull logical brain has around here. 

He didn’t message me after that. And during the month that’s passed since that conversation a few things came to my attention that were extremely hurtful and a wake up call. I always tell my kids, like the sun and moon, the truth always comes out. I’m glad it did, it expedited a lot. 

And that brings me to yesterday, a low day. Heartbreaker had said to me in our last conversation, “Why does everything have to be so heavy?”. I don’t mean it to be that way, but I have felt the weight of my feelings crushing my chest some days, so I’m not surprised that it felt heavy to him. Thinking about that yesterday started me down a thought process that ended with me coming to some peaceful conclusions at 3am staring at the ceiling. 

First of all, what I wished for him came true. He is happier today than when I met him, no question. I like to think I helped him a little get started down that path. 

Next, and more important to my growth and wellbeing, I came to the conclusion that all the weight and pain I am carrying is stuff that was already there. It was unfortunate that being dumped lit the fuse on that. I don’t need to “get over” him anymore. I may miss the connection we had, but these extraordinarily heavy feelings are so much more than him.  These feelings are: not feeling good enough and being easily tossed away; forgotten. Those are the things that have kept me in this ridiculous loop of yearning, trying to assuage my feelings of not being good enough and that I’m forgettable. 

When I embark on what I am calling my “Spirit Quest”, I am going in with a different focus. This isn’t about getting over the grief of missing one person, this is about working on healing much bigger trauma wounds. My Burning Man psychotherapist friend had cautioned me that I would likely uncover more than what I *think* I am trying to heal. Well, look at me figuring that out beforehand! Now I am going to go into it with questions around those big fears. 

I called this part 1 of 2 because writing about my Spirit Quest will be the final installment in the Heartbreaker chapter of my life. And that will have to wait until after I get a chance to do it.