Love, Swinging & Poly – It’s mixed bag

Part 3 – The fears and highs of Polyamory

If you haven’t read Part 1 on Love or Part 2 on Swinging, you may want to for context.

I wasn’t very good at monogamy. I’m a girl who likes adventure.

I also love and value deep connection.

I was once told by an alternative relationship counselor that “There are as many different definitions of how to ‘do’ polyamory as there are people doing it. If you are communicating and being truthful, there are no wrong ways to be poly.”

She told me this because I felt I wasn’t “poly enough” for Misty. And it could be a deal breaker.

Misty has no relationship fear. No jealousy. No possessiveness. The gentleness with which s/he moves though the world humbles me. S/he can love with no attachment. Misty told me from the beginning s/he was poly. When we met s/he had been married for 20 years, 10 of those had been open, 6 of those 10 s/he had been crossdressing and exploring that side of herself. S/he was already well versed in having multiple relationships. I felt out of my depth when we met.

My relationships up until that point had been the traditional, escalator style relationships where you went from dating, to meeting the fam, to moving in together, to getting married, kids – there was always a next level to achieve. Misty was new. There was no where to go. And the idea of marriage at that time had me breaking out in hives. I was the asshole at weddings who gave out yard sale kits.

My heart was full with Misty and our sexual adventures. I wasn’t longing for more. We made friends with our sexual partners, it wasn’t a strange string of kinky one night stands, and we always enjoy catching up with people we’ve been naked with. BUT (and it’s a big but) Misty’s ideas about poly scared me. S/he imagines people *with* us. That excites her. If she could have it her way we’d live in a sexy commune, filled with deep connections. Those thoughts feel EXHAUSTING to me (all caps because yeah). Even just thinking about it as I type I get filled with anxiety. Where her argument was “Love is Infinite!”, I always counter with “Time is not.”. And there lies the rub. I don’t want to have to feel I need to fight for attention or time. Our time is already divided between our kids, friends, family, work and few moments of time alone. Now imagine jamming a whole bunch of other people in there with emotional needs. No thank you.

Over the years there have been women who have been more than just sexually interested in either Misty or her boy side. It’s been a difficult for me. For whatever reason these women have never developed into full-fledged relationships (timing mostly). I do my very best to be supportive, but not too supportive. I have baggage, past experiences, where women have stabbed me in the back, and my brain is constantly looking for similarities to those situations. Rightly or wrongly. Call it self-preservation. If you’ve been bitten enough times by small dogs, you start to look at them warily. But I work at keeping myself open and willing to try, despite the fears.

I used to get upset when she would hypothetically push me into the arms of another.

“One day you could meet someone that you want in your life, and I will embrace them with open arms. I hope you always have room for me in your life.” s/he would say

“Stop. That’s not going to happen. My tastes are too strange. My standards are too high. I can’t even imagine, after all the people we’ve met, and not even feeling a twinge of desire to dive deeper than friendships. And I’m rarely ever attracted to guys. Plus, how would I even manage to squeeze another person in” I go on and tell her the millions of reasons why s/he is my person and I don’t want or need anything more.

“I’m just saying, never say never. And when, or IF, it happens, I am here for you.” s/he says cuddling me close. “As long as you’ll have me, I’m not going anywhere.”

Then “never say never” happened.

Many years after these conversations, in December of last year, I get a tumblr message from someone new.

That message turned into many messages, that turned into something so much more than just sexting and sharing ours days. It changed me.

Now I was imagining how I could incorporate this amazing person into my life for REAL. Not just some online fantasy world, but to see him, talk to him, and be a real person in his life too. I found myself wanting to help him, be a support for him, lift him up, and wanting to make him feel as tingly and cared for as he made me feel. I wanted to take care of his heart. And I wanted him to take care of mine too.

Misty supported me the whole way. I have never felt such acceptance and love. If possible, I felt even more joy-filled. I felt like I could finally understand Misty’s perspective on this whole poly thing. I could do this!

Narrator’s Voice: “Actually, No she couldn’t.”

This wonderful, interesting person didn’t feel same way I did. It was a blindsiding hurt. One that I’m still nursing. But I absolutely cherish the time with him I was given. But that’s not what this post is about.

This is about something that I never thought would be possible happening.

It opened my eyes and allowed me to see what it was like from Misty’s point of view, and how s/he would feel to have a special person in her life, and how, strangely, it doesn’t take away from us.

That fear that I had about Misty having others in our life is almost gone and that is a huge gift.

My time with #heartbreaker and Misty has changed how I view myself on the poly spectrum, enhanced my compersion, and shown me how deeply I can love someone.

Here’s to Love, Sexual Adventuring, Poly and being a Rebel Heart. *clink*