Today is a blue day.

Relationships (like pretty much everything in life) require attention and focus… If you are coasting there is a high probability you are going downhill. Maybe not steeply, but it’s happening.

Do you ever coast on a bicycle while going up hill?

The last few years my weight has been coming back. Stress with work and my oldest, sitting at my desk too much. Not enough movement and good for me food. And everytime I try to tackle this problem, I lose a little but it comes back (and brings friends). Now it is really, really, really a problem.

I am a physical health mess, and it’s messing with my self worth and esteem, and I find I want to hide away rather than go out and enjoy life.

And I should be enjoying the fuck out of life. I only have the one, and this is the youngest I’m ever going to get.

But I struggle.

My partner Misty & his/her Boy Side is amazing and does her best to encourage me. The biggest problem here is s/he is 100% not attracted to heavier girls. Which I currently am. It is hard to be in this terrible place of loving and lusting someone who’s lust is not really returned.

And the love? Well, it’s a complicated emotion for her. She sees it as a trap. That love can be (and has been for her with her ex wife) a terrible thing. It saddens me. But s/he is very honest, and always has been, about that.

I worry that if I can’t start to correct this soon, I will lose Misty. I worry about that a lot.

Mentally I don’t even see myself as sexy. It hurts my heart and my insides a lot.

Sexy comes from within. It is this glorious flame that I remember burning in my soul.

I miss it. I keep trying to rekindle it.

I’ll keep you posted on how I do.