louise bourgeois
I think the hardest part of loving a wild person, is that sometimes you don’t matter, and really, ultimately, they are living their life for themselves. Which I’m not saying is wrong… but it hurts as the one who really doesn’t want to be left behind.
Boy-side and I had a brief chat today, as it was the last day my parents are here (they have been here for a month) I knew I would be spending the night here with them. I had a suspicion that he wouldn’t be joining us.
“I get it, it’s a night of TV with my folks – a very predictable, boring evening. It’s not what I love doing, but I see them so little and I love them.” I say, my spidey senses knowing he was itching for some space.
“Yes! It’s just not how I want to spend my time, you know? I know you love them and want to spend time with them. But I don’t have to or want to do that… I spent time with Michelle’s parents because I felt like they were now a part of a larger family for me.” As he said those words, I felt a push on my chest. And I replied honestly.
“And that is yet another reason I’d happily punch Michelle in face – for ruining that for me.”
“It wasn’t her fault – i chose to do it, spend the time, and now Ii know I don’t enjoy it.”
I snorted, and let a wave of bitterness wash over me.
“Do you think you’ll come over? I’m making blackened chicken with creol butter.” I singsonged trying to shake the toxic feels.
“I’m pretty tired. My eyes feel sleepy, my legs are sore from skiing… But then there is a part of me that wants to go out… I do enjoy going out with you but a part of me wants to know what it’s like going by myself. What will I do? How will it be different? It’s been so long, I forget what it’s like! It’s exciting to think about!” The happiness in his voice makes me feel more lousy.
I feel that sick sense of forboding, along with the deep sadness of acceptance. Knowing there will be forks in the road, where I will need to make choices.
In a text message I said to him right after we hung up, not knowing what is choice would be (but having a good idea) – Enjoy your time (with some heart emojis).
S/he wrote back- You are AWESOME! Just getting ready now!
My evening with my folks was indeed tv watching and dinner.
It’s 2am now. I’m driving my parents to the airport tomorrow. I have to find my passport.
I love the wild thing s/he is, even as it hurts me. I don’t ever want to change her… It means I either have to change myself or gtfo.
I won’t hold on too tight ever again. And I won’t let myself be dragged around either.