Motherhood exhaustion.

You can’t run, you have to face it everyday – the ups, downs, surprise hits to the groin.

My oldest came back at the end of the Summer from the year he spent at his Dad’s. It had been awful before he left, with our final night spent together at emergency with a police escort. It was as heartbreaking as it was horrible. We had been suffering under my oldest’s mood and violence for too long. When he left, newly 13, we (my other 3 kids and I) all missed him, but the weight of his drama had lifted, and life was easier. Better.

I was looking forward to him coming home – we all were. It would seem the time with his Dad had given him a new perspective. He missed us and was ready to rejoin the herd.

Here we are a month(ish) in and i just spent last night in emergency again. We have a diagnosis this time IED – Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I’m glad we can name it. And I’ve got some next steps booked.

I look around my house today, which is a mess and I feel so angry. I’ve got projects to do for work that have deadlines today, I wanted to do something fun with the kids, and I just feel this overwhelming resentment.

And that makes me so sad… So incredibly sad, I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear – let somebody else deal with this bag of shit. I don’t want to.

No rest for the wicked. So forward I go.