I need to write clear and hard, but that can be so fucking difficult when it hurts. It’s hard to articulate and be clear about a pain I’m so unsure on and don’t really understand.

One thing I really noticed about reading my old blog was all the things I didn’t write. All the vagueness about what was happening. Good and bad. I was there, so I could fill in the blanks as I read. But for those looking in? It must have been odd.

I realize I am still vague. Which is both weird and unnecessary. Sometimes you’ve just got to say it plain. No flowery prose.

Boyside sent me happy messages, as I self-medicated with food, booze and TV. He was going to head out and hook up with a guy for some play. He did. He called me as they met up. I said hi to his play partner.

There was a pain in my chest. He called me an hour later to fill me in. I just felt…hurt.

I can’t seem to get clear on the feelings, but I am feeling dread in my belly. Dread and the last few days of eating/drinking my emotions.

It’s 3:20am… And my hurt and sadness won’t let me sleep.

We are both free to do and be as we please… And I love that. So it also hurts that my insides are such a fucking hypocrite.