I’m leaving early, early (ungodly early) Monday morning for Mexico! Woohoo!

It’s not really a holiday per se, as Boy side is looking for property for the beach house, and his long time friend is investing in it as well. I’m kind of along for the ride, but I’m happy to be. 

Did I tell you what happened with Pet boy? It was a one day affair of texts. The dangers of young boys? I don’t know, but when I was writing about the experience to a friend they wrote back the quote:

“A person who has picked up a cat by the tail has learned something they could have learned no other way." 

Which I think sums up the experience quite nicely. Needless to say, I think going forward I’ve got my fill of that. 

I’ve been writing a lot. My story. The dissolution of my marriage and the twists and turns that led me out of that and on to a road of discovery.  One of things I learned was my deep appreciation for someone being authentic with me. Authentic, vulnerable and real. Not made up sexy games. Not an online fantasy world, but the real, and often ugly reality of facing life together. 

I messaged kinkyminx after I poured through some old emails, and I managed to take my old saved tumblr, MsAwake, and put it up in a straight up html page. It’s missing all it’s formatting. Some of the posts were lost (none of the conversation style posts or posted asks had saved), but the majority of it is still intact. So I took a stroll down cyber memory lane.

It was… all kinds of emotions. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. It made me cover my face and peek through my fingers reading on occasion. It was a great tool for putting myself right back in that head space and feeling those feels all over again. Everything from how desperately trapped I felt after leaving Mike and fear I had for starting my new life to how lost and sad I became over my heartache over Darth. What I thought had been a step towards  authentic, vulnerable and real love was indeed a giant farce of a thing. That was hard. Fuck that was hard. 

“Do you ever read old messages? Sometimes I question my sanity. Happy Valentine’s day – I hope it is a good one. 🙂 ” I whatsapp her.

“I do. I don’t delete text ever lol” She types back

“Lol me neither. I just spent the morning reliving the (*insert Darth’s name here*) debacle. I’d bet my life he is still at it. Old google hangouts chats, emails…ugh. I was dumbass. 🙂 ”

“:( probably”

I even took my journey right back to my first Dom. It was an intense experience that left me wanting more from a person who could never give it to me. It was the catalyst I needed to change my marriage but it was never going to work. For many reasons, For the same reasons that things almost went a different direction with Misty. Because I am the hero of my story. Even when I was a villain for some of it. And we all know the hero wins the day, gets their man.  And I am always working towards my happily ever after.  

I just had no idea he would have heels on too.