Shot for Nylon Magazine by Chris Schoonover
Nails by Fleury Rose
Boy side is away with his kids visiting his folks right now.
I’m home and should be doing a thousand things around my house – including doing some work that I have been putting on the back burner so I can hang with my kids (who got back two weeks ago). Did I mention my oldest is staying with his Dad this year? It could turn into a forever thing. I’m not sure, It’s been incredibly hard, but then the whole year last year with my oldest made hard look like a fucking cake walk.
There was the trying of drugs, the abusive/aggressive behavior (words that will haunt me forever) and therapy and diving into the mental health system here in Canada (which is TOTAL SHIT). By the time he was to go and visit his Dad this summer, I was wrung out from it all. So far, he is happier at his Dad’s and I’m hoping that this change with bring about real change for him. All the therapy and various ways I was trying to help/deal were not. So even though it breaks my heart to let him go, I am hopeful for this new start for him.
The 2 separate therapist I sent him to (just because I wanted another opinion), both said he blames me for the divorce. For how his life is now (not that it is any way terrible), but the loss of the family unit hit him the hardest, as he remembers in the most. My ex loves that I couldn’t handle it and assures me that he’ll “get him set straight”.
Have i mentioned recently how wonderful it is not to be married to that man? He never ceases to be a first class asshole.
Anyway, I’m missing my nightly call with Misty/boy side because he’s away. He needed some time with his peeps and folks. I’m glad he’s getting that, though it always makes me feel like I don’t belong anywhere. So I need to reflect on that, and try not to brood myself into a corner. It’s lonely living the way I do sometimes. I got sooooooo used to a daily routine with Misty – I miss it. I just need to find my new rhythm. I know I will, but I always buck at things that I want to have better and my way.
Bratty, I know.