It has really been an amazing summer for Misty/boyside and me. We spent the entire time my people were away together, and it was absolutely fucking glorious. Hard to give up, and get back to the reality of living. 

We went on trips together, rode the sand dunes in Oregon a couple of times, enjoyed sexy nights out, and indulgent, sexy days in bed. We tanned naked, went camping, went boating. tiled my bathroom, and had this sexy photo shoot. 

Oh! And I got a tattoo. 🙂 

My therapy is on hold until next month, but I am wondering if I really need to continue. I worked through a great deal with my therapist, and even in the midst of my monthly roller coaster, I feel very steady. 

I came to some life changing conclusions. It’s funny (and not) what you can know and not realize. A lot of the things I am afraid of are terrible stories I tell myself. IF (and I can’t make that any more bold or capitalized) Misty found someone s/he wanted to be with more than me, well that is just how it goes sometimes, but I can’t live my life thinking that the bus that’s going to hit me is around every corner.  Just like it’s foolish to live like walking down the centre of the road won’t get you hurt. 

I didn’t want another monogamous relationship when I met Misty. I wanted freedom, fun and fucking. All. The. Fucking. I did not want to be tied down or make someone else feel that way either. I wanted adventure! I wanted TRUTH. Naked, ugly, sometimes painful truth. I got all of those things. And more. I was lucky as fuck to get it from someone with a good heart, who never means to hurt me, and goes out of their way to make sure I don’t. But is also smart enough with his/her own heart to take care of their needs too.  The way I do poly is different from the way s/he does it. 

And that is totally okay. 

As long as we treat each other’s hearts with the kindness and respect they deserve, we’ll grow together. 

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

Misty is the person I imagine growing old with, my co-adventurer to the end of my days. The conversations, the care, the affection, the lust, the fun, the laughter, and the hurt and the tears have been so deeply rich, it takes all my other relationships and makes them look so watered down, and shallow (no diving!). So it’s not surprising that the thought of losing it makes my chest ache. If I let myself, I can let my past experiences and baggage  take me to some dark places, where I superimpose other men in my life over top of her/him and imagine the the worst. I can make myself cry, if I let myself go down those thought-roads.

It’s weird how I can do that. And the funny thing is, s/he does it to me too. S/he can imagine me doing things just like his horrid/bitchy/ungrateful ex-wife. The shadow of her (and all of his exes) is on me.

Do we all do that?

Realizations. Seeing how the past effects me and how I care for myself, have made a huge difference in my life. Therapy – totally fucking worth it.

So here I am, going into the fall riding the blissful wave of my summer, and trying to settle into a more quiet routine. I miss our waking up and falling asleep together. It’s back to phone calls and texts. But I am SO grateful for it all. 

The universe has really delivered.