C. S. Lewis (via namelessin314)

Do I? Geez, I wish I was better at this living and loving thing. I really do.

Tumblr, you are my cheap therapy. Tonight in the form of me talking to myself.

Parenting is kicking my ass. My oldest, now 12, is a raging asshole. I can’t help feeling like this is all my fault. I have him in therapy. We are making the rounds seeing mental health professionals, I have him in music lessons… But it feels like a cycle of fail. I’m a lone parent, and there is no one to tag team this shit with and it is wearing me down. I don’t know how to help him. I just want him to be a kind, happy human. I keep trying… Even as he swears at me and tells me to “just go kill yourself”, I keep thinking the shit they left out of the parenting brochure is epic in it’s shitasticness.

Work is busy and very good, though I’m sure I could be doing it better – being more efficient and tackling projects better. I LOVE my business, I’m super proud of it. Even when I am tired, and the last thing I feel is creative, I’m grateful to have it in my life. I want to be better at it.

I want to be better at parenting too.

I have come to the conclusion that balance is a myth, and life is an exercise in spinning plates. Tomorrow I have to spin the shit out of the parenting plate, specifically my eldest… Which takes time from the other child plates, which takes time from the work plate, which takes from the money plate… Then you hit the most urgent, wobbly plate next – whichever that may be.

I am also spinning my love plate. Or currently not. I love him/her and he cares for me (sometimes even loves me) but we love differently. As much as I enjoy sexy fun times with other partners, I’m not looking for any. My heart is full with him/her. That is not the case with him.

The whole “love is expansive! You love all your children, you always love them all – you can love all your partners!” Just makes me want to punch someone in the throat. You know what is not expansive? Time. And plates/people need it. I have 4 kids – I fucking know. You know what I don’t want? Any more kids. Reserve wise, I feel tapped out. I feel spread thin.

So with Misty, I don’t know where that leaves us. I don’t like being excluded. I already feel light on time, the idea of less doesn’t appeal to me at all.

We’ll see, I guess.

I’m feeling a bit down about love tonight. And not feeling all that awesome about myself either.