This was my view out my window their other morning.

I read that when dragonflies show up it symbolizes a bunch of interesting things.

Transformation. Adaptability. Joy, lightness of being. Symbol of the realm of emotions, invitation to dive deeper into your feeling. Being on the lookout for illusions and deceits, whether are external or personal.

Those are definitely all things that resonate with me. And I like.

Last night boy-side and an old friend and lover of his(a woman we had played with together this summer) went out and got together. Oral and touching. He called me afterwards and told me about it.

It doesn’t make me feel very good. I am happy about the honesty. I am happy that he feels free to do the things he wants too. I am happy that he is happy living the life he wants.

I hate being excluded.

If I had been able to get a sitter, I could have run out there… But it all came together at the last minute.

I’m not even sure where to begin analyzing my feelings, but I have to sort it out. I feel this almost cicada-like buzz when I try to look inside. I look in the mirror and see ugliness.

He called me at 3:30 (i was up) to tell me about the evening. I felt surprise and none. Pain and numbness.

The woman had been so complimentary of boy-side/me. I had felt like there was the start of a real friendship. She had written to me:

“I’m so happy for you both…you truly seem to be soul mates, I don’t mean that in a superficial way based on appearances,how you look together or carry yourselves together…well that too, but I mean in the depth of the looks you share that are so filled with love it fills a room with your happiness and love for each other. It’s beyond words, it’s pure emotion…it’s perfect!! And I’m so incredibly happy for you both!! I have some positive upswing things happening I think but I can’t write on here…maybe we can meet for coffee one day this week in the day…if u guys aren’t super busy…have a great week!!xoxo”

Now those words feel… Fake. And my urge to build higher walls and trust no one is bigger. Compelling. Just add another piece to my luggage set.

Boy-side and I are supposed to go to the symphony today.

I want to just lay here.