Life has been really, really good
I need to preface this rambling with that
Things with Misty/boy-side have been great. My fears of the future largely kept at bay, by all the sweetness between us. So yes, things have been lovely.
Tonight I needed his affection and care, and felt held at arms length. It ratcheted up my anxiety. After we got off the phone, I laid in bed and my fear fuelled imagination had me in tears. If there is one thing I know how to do, it’s bring myself to my knees. I know the pressure points.
I called him. It was about 20 minutes after we’d hung up. I called, um, 3 more times after that, leaving whatsapp messages after each call (that I could see he picked up). Yes, I recognise that it is a)irritating, b)kind of bratty and c)oddly frantic. But that is how I’m feeling – oddly frantic.
I won’t say my behavior is justified. It’s obnoxious. But my heart won’t let me sleep. It wants acknowledging. It aches in my chest, and feels fucking lousy at the moment.
He did not pick up. He did not call me back. He told me to go to fucking sleep. To stop causing drama.
It’s different if you can snuggle into someone. It’s different if you can hold their hand at the end of the day. When they can fuck your fears away.
It is 2:25 in the morning. I’m wide awake. Wrestling with my feelings. Feeling like an idiot.