I am in a sad, sad state of heart sore.

Misty/boy-side does not know if she loves or ever will.

“It’s possible.”

And s/he doesn’t want any more of a relationship with me, as things wind down with his wife. It has been a long stint of captivity, and s/he is in need of her/his own space. I totally, totally, totally get it. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

So what to do? The image simplifies things, but it is never that simple. Darth didn’t want to let me go for a long time – and that was no love. I was an ego boost. Truth be told, I wanted him to hold on to me. I wanted so desperately for him to make everything work out because he truly loved me. Yeeeah.

Thank god for unanswered prayers.

The things that Darth said to me were lies, everything there was a lie. And the bags that I got from that do more damage to me than all the lies he told. The fact that I feel afraid of being dragged (close, when needed) and tossed (away, put to the side), make me difficult to be around. I have this weird need for reassurance. I jump at shadows and try and imagine what is coming next with worse case scenarios in an attempt to save myself.

It’s dumb things like texting ratios. Him calling/not calling. If that dips – if the contact gets less – I have this ‘OMG!! IT’S HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN.“ panic.

Jane, let me off this crazy thing!

I’m trying to deal with all these huge feelings – that isn’t working at all.

In fact it is having the opposite affect. In my tantrum-ish emotional fear, I push Misty/boy-side away.I am not the fun girl. Not currently.

I want Misty/boy-side to want me. To love me. In whatever fashion that looks like. I want to be inlcuded and be that person that s/he wants to adventure with and go and be places.

There are no guaruntees in this world in anything, especially love, romance, sex. But I know I love his/her heart and mind, and I know that when we are together I feel joy and even in this hard, heart sore time, I feel blessed to know him/her. I hope and send out those hopes into the universe that I can find peace in where we are right now. That I can find peace with his/her level of care of me, and see where our paths take us. Maybe to love.

As Misty/boyside likes to tell me, I move fast. I see what I want and enjoy and I can be singleminded with going after it. And in this case, it (misty/boy-side’s love/realtionshippy- things) is not something I can get. Clearly I’m a fucking brat, being frustrated and sad about this. Hopefully Misty can weather my storm, and I don’t diminish too much in his/her eyes. S/he has been very patient with my sadness and my need for answers in an answerless situation.

How do you fix a situation like this? What do you do?

I don’t want him/her to let me go. Even if s/he doesn’t love me.