celiabasto:

100% ART

I am feel really ugly today. Inside and out. 

I feel lousy about feeling lousy.

I’m fearful. Anxious. And, in all probability, jealous of a possible new person in Boy-side’s life. I feel like a starving person who is being asked to share the small amount I have. And I don’t want to.

It feels like at every turn Misty/boy-side and I are not fitting well.

I feel like my emotion response to things makes me difficult and hard to be around. It makes me feel like a crazy girl. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. But maybe I am. Like the drunk person who insists they’re sober and can totally drive. Am I an emotional button who thinks she’s rational & sane? Not a happy thought.

I want to be wanted. I don’t want to compete for time with someone. I want a partner who wants to be my partner. Lots of times I feel that way with Misty/boy-side – like we were made to adventure together. One sexy time after another. That we will travel our road and grow old together.

Right now my spidey sense is pinging off the charts. It’s telling me to be fearful. It’s ratcheted up my anxiety. I trust my intuition, but with all the things happening with Boy-side’s wife, feeling excluded from things, wanting more, I wonder if I have a magnet beside my compass, throwing me out of wack.

Advice? Thoughts? Questions?

I’m strapping in for a bumpy ride. I’m feeling a whole mad max vibe today.