This year I went to Salt Springs Island – it was a relaxing and rejuvenating 2 days. Much needed.

Now my people are back! Yay! And they brought lice! Boo! Luckily, I checked them before they came in the house. This is now every single time they have been to my (not)ex’s house. So I was ready. And it was exhausting. Again. 

A few days after my trip, and just before my peeps got home, I woke up early one morning and started to think about all the upheaval with Misty/boy-side and my strong angry feelings towards his wife. I hadn’t carried this baggage long, but I could feel it’s weight already – it was time to set this shit down. Really, this was only hurting me. 

How could I get rid of this anger? Every time I thought of her I could feel my blood pressure rising. She’s awful! Mean, nasty, fake as hell. The relationship between her and boy-side made me watch to punch something. It had to stop. For me. For my heart.  Whatever happens, whether Misty/boy-side and I continue on or not, I had to ditch the jealousy too. I was jealous of her life with him, of her getting the opportunity to cuddle him every night and just *be* together.

And in the soft glow of the morning light, I realized there was nothing to be jealous of. 

She doesn’t have that life. 

She doesn’t choose it.  

In fact, she shuns it. It is a gift she rejects.

I could be jealous that he loves her… but why? She takes his love for granted.

Compassion. Here is a woman who is NOT living the life she wants to. To his face (and mine), she called their life together a “bum hand”.  She is filled with anger and a lack of gratitude that is shocking. She is a girl who imagined her life differently and is trying to change it, but lacks the vision to know where the hell she is going. She isn’t evil or bad – just really not careful with other peoples feelings. 

I felt sorry for her. Not in a condescending way – in a “God, that would really fucking suck, to be 45 and not know how to be happy.” 

Boy-side has said some surprising things to me about their relationship in the past few weeks. He is a wo/man conflicted, for sure. Ultimately, I don’t think s/he will ever leave his wife – not that I want that. But his wife accepting me, I don’t think that is going to happen either.  Even in the face of that, I am optimistic. 

How? Because I know I am going to be alright. Whatever happens.  

After my thoughts about her – I thought about her life, tried to put myself in her shoes, imagine her experiences from her point of view – my anger truly left me. It was a fucking beautiful gift. 

Baggage ditched, baby. I felt the weight of it leave me like a physical thing. 

That wonderful freedom has been there for over a week – and I’m still anger free. *round of applause from the support group* Even in the face of her ridiculous behaviour. But you know what? It is not my problem. If Boy-side wants to take it in the head like boxer – that is his issue. I can’t defend him or protect him from a person he loves who treats him badly. If he wants rescuing he’ll do it himself. But he doesn’t. So I just have to leave it.  How much of it I can stomach, well I guess we will see that too.  

I’m in the business of rescuing myself. And having fun. And finding joy in strangest places. No slacking on the important stuff.