Dear Friends
I am sorry, but this will be my last post.
May you all be well and live life to it’s fullest. May you drink champagne, have wonderful sex and be with the one – or ones – you truly love.I will be watching You.
Anna
Anna is dead.
This has hit me like a crazy-ass freight train. For the past week I have been rereading our correspondence from the last 5 years, and thinking about how much our lives have changed – how we (she and I) broke out of places we were and forged new paths. With hope. With fear and hope.
I am better for having known her. I will miss her. Fuck.
She was fabulous and adventurous, sexy with exceptional taste. I never did get to meet her- just Skype and email – but like other good friends I have here, that is enough to forge a really wonderful friendship. The connection of souls through the interwebs is pretty remarkable. We talked about meeting – I wish we had gotten that chance. Hell, I wish I had gotten the chance to say goodbye. She knew she was dying.
We saw each other through some remarkable changes in both our lives. for the last 3 years, she was living the life she had imagined. Beautiful living. Enormous, cup runneth over, living.
I am a mess for many reasons today. Anna, spurring me on to get busy living, just seems to shining a terrible spotlight on other aspects of my life.
Business is hard. Damn hard. I am not busy enough. On the plus side, I only have to worry about feeding me. I should be pounding the pavement, trying to find work, but instead I am here writing. And crying. My chest heavy as hell.
Misty is my person/partner – s/he is the person I turn to in times of happiness, fear, and pain. S/he is the person I trust for advice, and good counsel. But this week, s/he could not hold me when I found out Anna died. Could not kiss my tears away when I was worried about how I am going to make DIVA! design fly. Could not be here to fall asleep with while I felt loneliness of my people leaving for the summer to be with their Dad. Because, really, I am alone. He could hear those things in messages and on the phone, but he could not touch me. He could not come to me. I could not go to him.
I feel painfully alone today. And I am afraid of the future.
I am also sad because I have this gross stain on my heart that seems to be growing. Jealousy? Maybe. There isn’t anything about his wife I admire (except maybe being 112 lbs)- she has very few redeeming qualities that I can see. I envy that she gets to spend her life with him. That he loves her. That if she chose to, he would happily, joyfully, include her in all aspects of his life. But she throws that away. My dislike for her grows and my resentment about being excluded hurts me. All these ugly feelings just hurt me. I am fucking up my hard won inner peace.
I feel lost. And scared.
There is so much to do, and I’m tired.