Happy Snack Bitch Day!

Messy, maddening, heartmelting, and awesome with a dash of melancholy. At least that’s what it is for me.

Next year I will try and do less of what I want and more fun things for us. Too much running around trying to get shit done makes for cranky kids and a mum. So I had a nap. Let my mind and heart rest.

Some of our running around led out to boy-side’s neck of the woods. The kids know him, lots about him. He’s brought them treats and things. They like him. They have questions. Questions I don’t want to answer.

My middle guy asked me flat out if boy-side was married. I lied. Flat out lied. It feels and felt terrible. But it would feel worse…

While we were driving around, my oldest asked me if boy-side’s kids knew about me… I said no. My oldest looked at me (he’s 11) and said “Mumma. I would not date him if I were you. Why wouldn’t he tell his kids? You tell us about him. We’ve met him lots! Are you not good enough?”

It was all I could do to not cry. From the mouths of babes.

While we were in his turf, the place I wanted to go (urban barn, for a funny door mat), was close to his wife’s work. I saw she drove his car. I thought about us fucking in that car. Falling asleep against each other.

It swirled around in my belly, heart and mind, what my boy had said, making that nap more and more needed. I slept deeply for an hour and a half.

When I woke up my phone made it’s Misty/boy-side ring. He called while he was running back to his house to pick up supplies for his dinner he was making for his wife, mom and grandma. He was cooking the whole thing himself. It was incredibly sweet. I told him so.

I told him what had been said in the car.

“…I wish I could give you a hug right now. I’m sorry this is so hard.” He said to me, and I could hear that in his voice.

“Me too. But I do this to myself.” And then we talked about dinners and then he had to run. My heart aches the entire time and I wished things were different.

But they are not.

As time goes on I want more. And I love deeper. And that is no good, given the state of things.

I have and do help him work on his job, which is this huge current project. I’ve done the website, the brochures, project floor plan sheets, and for my birthday weekend I worked an entire tradeshow with him. Along side him. Chatting with loads of people about what he does and how awesome he is at it.

His wife was not there.

Talking about it with my Mum, she said to me “If his wife gets involved, you know you are outta there toots?”. It was half a question, half statement.

“Yeah. I know Mumma. Thanks for the pep talk.” I joked with her. But I know it’s true.

Makes me sad, people.

So yeah. Happy mother’s day.