If I was clever.

But I’m a dumb ass.

I think, if I were giving someone else advice, I would tell them if someone doesn’t love you, move on. Get going, while the getting is good. Odds of them miraculously falling in love with you later? Slim to none. Don’t drag yourself through the barbed wire of false hope. It fucking sucks.

Of course the odds of them listening to that advice? Zipty do-da. Forget it. Because when you love someone you want so badly for everything to work out, so badly that you’re a fucking moron.

But then maybe it’s just me.

Misty is still in Mexico with her/his wife and kids. We text everyday. Right now he/she is with a girl named Mary-Joe. They are getting to know each other. S/he said he may text later, but I’m not holding my breath. Would you? You’ve got a sexy new person in Mexico, would you text me? Yeah, why fucking bother. I’m sure that moron will be there when called.

What am I doing?

I feel worthless. Excluded. I am unhappy. Unvalued. Unloved (but I should know that) I’m feeling like I need to protect myself, act selfishly. In the end, does it even matter? Does it matter how Mary-Joe makes me feel? I knew this day would come. A day where I would be even more excluded. Just that much further away.

I am not accepted by his wife. There are all kinds of places in his life, because of that, I am not allowed. Now there are more places. Who am I again?

But this is what it means to live someone and not be held the same way.

Love, when it is both ways, is magical. If you have it, treat it right. With freedom and nurturing. Passion and compassion. And care for that person’s heart with the importance it deserves.

Tonight, as I lay in bed, I wish I could ditch my heart like the 2$ whore it is.

Tomorrow is going to hurt worse. Right now I’m suffering that sharp, swift pain that comes from the shock. Tomorrow, when I wake up and I play over how I imagine his night went with Mary-Joe, and I have that strange happiness for him mixed with the devastation that I’m a nothing. I will suffer.

Because I’m a fucking idiot. An unlovable, dumb ass moron. Who is not wanted on the voyage