Deck progress. And an all day post…

AM:

The front deck is done. This is a giant mother fucking job. I’m procrastinating getting started today. It’s already almost 11:30 in the morning and I haven’t done a damn thing except talk to my peeps (who are still far, far away) drink coffee, listen to music, contemplate love and relationships, and go into town to buy cinnamon buns, because my morning fruit wasn’t cutting it. Sugary carbs!!

Love and Relationships. 

I continue to be cherished and loved in Misty’s non-love love way. 🙂 If s/he doesn’t love me, it’s the best damn non-love I’ve ever felt. And I’ve felt a lot of non-love. Things remain complicated in the sense that I want MORE. Not *all*, just more.  We’ll see how that works out. I’ve thought many times about what would happen if I got less. 

I know now that I should have taken better care of myself and let go of Darth so much sooner. I think you can love someone and let them go and get on with things. I think (and maybe I’ll change my mind about this, I don’t know) that when you love someone, and they can’t give you what you need, and the sad is outweighing the joy, you need to let go. I’ve thought a lot about if or when Misty/boy side moves on from me. These are bridges I don’t need to cross yet, but I am promising myself that I won’t stand in the wings and wring my hands like I did with Darth, just waiting & hoping for him to come back and spend time with me. Never again. I think that is fair. 

PM:

I made some headway on the back deck rail, pressure washed my bbq and stained my backyard gate. I’m fithly, and having a beer as I type this – it’s the last one in the house and tastes like nectar of the gods. 

One of my oldest, dearest friends is taking a chance and following her heart. She is taking that leap for happiness that she doesn’t have in her marriage. She knows the risks (her family, her husbands feelings) and she’s done it anyway. I applaud her. When I was emailing her about things she said she thought about what I had said in high school, “How long are we going to be dead?”, which made me smile. Truer today than it even was then, I think. 

Misty/Boy side called me this afternoon and we gabbed for a few hours. Sweet jesus, I love her/him. He and his wife had a bbq last night (I am of course not invited), and I was feeling a little excluded. But our chat today was just so very, very lovely… he didn’t have to call me, he had things to do, but he CHOSE to. When I said to him, “thank you for spending time with me.”, he said “I’m not spending it, I’m investing it.” Which I thought was just fucking awesome.