One of my favourite people on tumblr wrote something a while back that reaffirmed something I had been thinking myself, and has been tickling my brain to write about on here. And of course now I can’t find what exactly she said for love nor money, but the gist of it is this:

Time and experience had lead me to be the sexual free person I am today. I would never have been able to have this kind of connection a few years ago.

That is brutally paraphrased, but it is a truth for me as well. I would never have been in a comfortable place to embrace this odd, interesting and free relationship with Misty. I would have been too insecure – comparing myself to every girl/boy. Hell, I think I had to go through the intense rigors of Darth, broken down and remade, to see the value in me. To see that it would be impossible for me to be everyone to someone, to be everything. I can only be me. I can’t be younger, taller, super skinny, prettier… I am just me – take me or leave me. In the end, if I am left, I am still standing… and conversely there have been times when it was my turn to go.

Time has given me hindsight into my relationships that has shown me the ebb and flow of these, of love. Love isn’t a final destination. You don’t find someone and cross the finish line. Love can fade, can be crushed, can linger, slivers of it can remain, or it can dry up without a trace that it was ever even there.

I have tried to hold on to love… I liken this feeling to trying to grab onto running water – there is nothing to hold onto. So now I just enjoy the feeling and flow with it.

But even with all of this I also believe that love, when tended, remains, can grow and deepen. It changes with time, but I think that is a good thing too, there is a beauty in this. Like the old velveteen rabbit. I suppose, like anything, it’s how you look at it. You can chose to see an old, used up thing… or you can see something that has been loved so much it’s worn in all the right spots. 

Somethings you just can’t rush.