My sister’s keurig sounds like a fog horn when it finishes brewing a cup of coffee. I love that sound. It makes me think of visiting them, the little attic room I stayed in, and all the fabulous memories I have of staying there… a lot happened to me during those times.

It was a refuge from my failing marriage and the smoking rubble it left behind.

I found and lost Darth.  

I found and lost joy in the job situation I am in. (sexual harrassment is no joke and a boss like Nero have me limping along and now looking for work)

I came to terms with 40.

I found more of what it means to be me and kept evolving and changing.

They moved last summer and I miss them being out here, being accessable, my little attic room and fog horn coffee, and hugging my sister, brother and nephews. I miss talking to Jill. The time difference now is a real bugger. 

I want to go on the record and say (because I think it got all jumbled up in my writing) – Jill supports Misty and all the freaky shiznit we get up to.  When it comes to alternate lifestyles, Jill is not judgy. Did she look at what I was getting into with giant bucket loads of trepidation? Hells to the yes. But that has nothing to do with her/him wearing panties. This is about potential for heartache, not stds. 

I don’t want either. Stds are easy to protect against, but a broken heart not so much, and the situation (Misty being married) makes for a really confusing road map as to where life and love take me – Jill could see this. She saw my excitement and lemming-like attitude towards her/him. Oh, I went in with the “This is just going to be some sexual fun and adventure” plan.

My heart was saying, “PFFT… no fucking chance. I’m totally done, bitch. Like people, enjoy them, fuck them, be fucked, have friends but if you think for one second any jackwagon is getting a hold of me again you are on crack. No.”

Who’s to say when my heart melted and the walls went down faster than a $2 whore. 

Jill (and everyone else who lived through the Darth pain) saw me put the peddle down and head towards the cliff… she was madly telling me to slow down (and trying to unbuckle her seatbelt), but as my Mum is fond of saying, “You can’t tell a Heinz pickle nothin’”. I was falling in love and I didn’t want to slow down, even though I could see the dangers too.

Now that I’ve gone over the cliff (Dukes of Hazard style, laughing and whooping the whole way), I’m in place I’ve never been before. I know I’ve said this often here, but it’s a truth about my life that I need to talk about. It feels… odd. I don’t know where we are going, how we’re going to get there, what this is supposed to look like – I’m running on instinct. 

We talk a lot – I express my feelings, concerns, happiness with her/him. I try and get him/her to talk too – s/he is more of a doer than a teller. Darth told me he loved me all the time but rarely ever showed me. Misty shows me s/he loves me, but can’t tell me. I prefer the latter, completely but I wish, some days, I had that confirmation. I’m a girl, what can I tell you. I’m not supposed to make a lot of sense. I realize that really, what does that even matter? I don’t have a good answer for myself, so I continue to mull it over. Love is crazy. 

Thank you Jill – for strapping in and coming along on my adventure and loving me despite me putting myself in heart danger. It’s been a hell of a ride so far, wouldn’t you say?

This is my place to write out my thoughts, my cheap therapy. It’s a little tricky because I am very aware that someone very much apart of my life, who is affording me this amazing wo(man), whom I’ve never met, and most likely doesn’t want to meet me, is reading my tumblr. It is interesting to me, that my words, my voice as she imagines it, is in her head right now… it’s intimate. My heartfelt thoughts, fears, dreams, struggles – she is apart of that. Hello you – someday I hope we can be friends. He loves you deeply. 

Mike was in town this weekend, so he had the kids for Friday night, Saturday and until a few hours from now.  He saw them for 3 days in December, and 2 this month – it’s hard on them. I hate to see them unhappy about it, and there isn’t anything I can do.

He wants to go to court which is an expense I can’t afford. I’m not sure what I can do about it, if anything. Justice is for the well off, and fairness has absolutely not a bit to do with it. I need to put on a helmet and get my game face on.  

This week I need to make an appointment with my bank person. I’m going to try once a month to assume the mortgage – that’s 5 more kicks at the can. Send some positive thoughts into the universe for me please? I really want to keep the house. 

I’m drinking hot water, naked in my big black robe at the kitchen table. The rain is coming down in a grey haze and the XX are playing on my Rdio station (best internet music streaming – love it) and I’m thinking a hot shower sounds fabulous. I’ll imagine my soapy hands on her/him and visa versa.