I couldn’t find a babysitter.
Misty went out last night and adventured without me. We were texting each other as she got ready. S/he sent me a picture – she looked beautiful. Then we talked on the phone as she drove to the club. I told her to have an amazing time – I meant every word. I knew in my heart, even though s/he was giving me “I’m playing this down voice”, s/he was happy to be out and feeling pretty. S/he gets so few opportunities to do it.
I just went to bed.
I woke up around 6/7, s/he had sent me a picture of her and her green contacts, still dressed at 5am. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was a really good night.
I looked into her eyes (s/he still had one green contact in – so very David Bowie) and imagined a hundred different things that may have happened. I want to hear, and I love that she’ll tell me every detail. Even if s/he does try and play down the fun s/he had.
I’ve never been here before.
I love her/him and want her to experience everything.
I will admit to you, I am squashing down fears/insecurities like I am playing a lightening round of whack-a-mole.
I guess one of the biggest things I keep playing over in my head is that I feel superfluous – unnecessary. Misty and her male alter ego can get all the sexy action they like. Like last night. I’m sure she met someone cool and interesting and there was intense, lusty, chemistry and they went and did what naturally comes when that happens. Add to that s/he has a life partner – his/her wife, who s/he goes home to. And s/he isn’t in love with me. It pinches at my heart… and I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to be special. …And don’t we all want that – to be someone’s special person…
I went back to sleep after I emailed her, the girl with the one green eye. I laid there for a while listening to the morning neighborhood sounds, dozing in and out while the kids did lazy Sunday morning things. I thought about how much I miss her and wondered about how the day will unfold and what I will learn.