Sometimes I struggle with the programming I’ve been given – the stereo typical this-is-what-a-relationship-looks-like shtick.
Today I had some of that mixed with a dose of Darth thoughts (that all came together in a weird perfect storm of oddness), but I am okay. There are a few things I tell myself:
- There are no fucking guarantees. I love Misty to the moon and back, but that doesn’t mean she’ll ever love me in return. Even her wanting me in her life in a real, meaningful way, doesn’t mean anything beyond this moment. Why? Because life changes. People come in and out of our lives, whether we want the ebb and flow to happen or not. Being together is a choice that happens every day. And if someone chooses to not be there… well, that is that. It’s scary, and sometimes (with special thanks to my Darth baggage), I get sad about this with no cause to. I can’t change these facts, so being sad about them is such a giant waste of time and energy.
- Enjoy this time, right now. Live in this moment. Stop thinking about if there will be anyone else in my beach house. Stop fussing about things that are beyond my control. I can hope. I can dream. But I don’t want to get so caught up in those that I miss the here and now. The here and now fucking rocks, and I need to revel in it! Like I said above, there are no guarantees. I could die tomorrow. Or a year from now. I ask myself a lot, “Am I making the most of the here and now with this thought?"
- Be Authentic (aka fuck the haters). I like different things. I like things that are not mainstream (though 50 shades took it a long way). Hell, I’m in love with someone who’s not mainstream. Also, I am being open with myself about my feelings. I’m a girl. I get emotional. I occasionally forget #1 and #2, and am irrational and sad. It isn’t logical or rational – sorry I wish I could put that shit on my disclaimer, but sometimes I’m just not. But I am taking it as it comes, listening to my inner self, and doing what I truly want. Because yeah, fuck those guys.
- Be Brave. ‘nuff said
My friend Sue emailed me this morning, her cousin’s partner died suddenly – in his forties, fit – just had a massive heart attack. She said, "Fuck Death." Amen sister. You know how you do that shit? Live like the devil himself is chasing you.
When I knew I needed to leave Mike, get a divorce, turn my life (and my kids lives) on it’s ear, it was because I felt like I wouldn’t be able to be *me* and be married. I felt confined. Trapped. Destined to a life I no longer wanted, where I wasn’t appreciated, or even acknowledged, for being who I am. I wasn’t leaving for a specific thing – it was an idea. Part of that idea was that my life is MINE, and mine alone to do with as I see fit. I have dreams of a partnership, but I love that this is a work in progress. Making it up as I go.
I’m forging my own trail. Sometimes it’s scary, and I don’t know where I’m going, and I keep wondering why I thought heels would be a good idea… but I am tenacious. Fuck death! Fuck the rules! Fuck what I’m "supposed to do”! Breath, be brave, and take that next hill.