I called my sister from the parking lot at work this morning. After last nights retarded illustration of lame, the posting of the texts, and a dream where I was contacted by another tumblr woman that told me she and he had exchanged almost an identical conservation, I was emotionally wrung out. I needed a hand to hold. Or possibly to slap my face. Jill did both.
“He is vile. He is disgusting. Why does he still have any hold over you at all? Seriously.”
“I know… and I don’t know. It’s fucking hell. I have to see him today.”, I say, crying. Again. This. is. Insanity. I had already cried trying to get dressed earlier.
“It’s not Tuesday?”, She says. I can hear her frustration with me – and her love.
“I know – the meetings have changed to every other Monday. Today is the ‘on’ Monday. ” I lean back in my car seat and stare at the roof tops of the apartment across the way – I was looking at them when he finally told me he was done. Totally, unequivocally over whatever had transpired. I feel like they are burned into my psyche.
“Well, that is a good thing, at least. Less of him.”
“Yeah.” I say, just feeling like a shell. “I am not even close to ready to see anyone. I’m still a fucking mess.” I sigh.
“Bec, just take some time. Be alone. You went from Mike, to Greg to him… none of that was any good for you. Be alone for a while.”
“Yeah.”
There is a pause in our conversation, but it is a good pause filled with warmth, like my car heating up in the morning sun.
I know I am a burden on my friends with this but I don’t know what to do… I think if they let go, I’m just going to slip under.
“Jill, it’s hard to feel so strongly, my own sexuality and know that I need to pack it away. It’s a part of who I am. I feel like I’m not whole. At the same time I don’t want anyone. I get enormous anxiety about it. But I’m lonely. I’m all these mixed emotions that make no fucking sense. I know I just shouldn’t be with anyone until I am free of him.” My chest hurts today. I wonder, not for the first time, how this is damaging me physically. Can I die from this pain?
“Shit, everyone is pulling into the parking lot, I better go. I love you.”, I say wishing we could have talked some more.
“I love you too lady.” she says, and I feel so very alone when I hang up.
True story