I wrote a friend today about the ups and downs. The lows are so goddamned low, I’m afraid. I keep trying. I’ve done a few things to try and move forward, I joined fetlife and alt.com.
I think I am going to close my alt.com account. It was an experiment, but it is freaking me out. Fetlife feels a little more relaxed, less like a hook up place. And I’m just not in a place to jump right in, as much as I keep pushing myself/would like to be.
I want to forget him. Forget him like he has forgotten me.
Remember the guy who fixed my car for the promise of dinner? Well, we went out for dinner last night. He brought me flowers. I am totally not attracted to him at all. I’m not interested in anything with him. Friendship, sure, but that is it. Period, full stop. I keep telling him this, but the message is not getting through.
The beginning of June I had a brief exchange with a tumblr that got quite sexy, a total surprise. I felt lust and a lightness in my heart I hadn’t felt in a long time. It didn’t go any further than that, (a couple of weeks?) but it was much needed diversion. (Thank you!)
I’ve had two things of note happen on fetlife – I met a nice young man and had a fun email exchange. Nothing crazy, just pleasant. The whole idea of a younger guy is just… nuts to me, since I’ve only ever been with men who are older or within a year of my own age. It’s… titillating.
I’ve also made a strange and wonderful connection that I am hesitant to define – so I’m not going to. Maybe we are just friends, maybe something more fun and sexy evolves, but whatever it is it is making me feel pockets of lovely. We may even meet today!
If you’re on fetlife, look me up. 🙂
I have a bunch of texts Darth sent me, that I am thinking about posting. I had mentioned to Kinkyminx ages ago, maybe posting them would lessen their hold on me. I already know some of the lines he used on me (“I wish I had met you in college/10 years ago”) he did with others. I can only image all the women he fucked/fucked with are just a giant blur to him, one morphing into the next. It fills me with a deep sadness to think about, feels like I just put on a lead apron, the weight of it feels so physical.
Tuesday meetings have changed to every other Monday. So tomorrow. Yeah. Him. One of his parting gifts to me was to tell me how he explained me to his wife, “It’s like I fucked the secretary. I can’t fire her, and now I have to work with her.” Nice.
I hope you are having a wonderful Sunday in your respective corners of the world.