Being on my own in New York has been just what the doctor ordered. Thank god, I was brave/foolish enough to just fucking do it, The roof won’t get replaced this year, but I’m taking steps to healing my heart. With the help of friends and lots of self reflection.

I wrote a friend:

He hurt me. He used me. He didn’t give a fuck about my heart and my feelings. He is a monster who won’t change. I don’t want that in my life. 

Another friend pointed out to me what should have been painfully obvious – I’m grieving. I finally felt some anger this week, and I’ll be honest, it scares me. I don’t want to be angry. I’d rather be sad than be consumed by that toxic emotion. I

I’ve been in denial, I’ve bargained, I’ve been depressed (the worst ever), I’ve started to feel anger, and soon (I’m hoping) will be acceptance. These stages aren’t clean breaks from each other, and it’s a messy fucking business, but I’m working on it. 

Below is an angry rant directed right at him. Feel free to skip.

Darth,

You are a fucking cruel, self absorbed bastard. If you think getting diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder somehow excuses or relieves you of responsibility of your fucked up mean behavior, you’re a fucking moronic dickhead, 

HOW DARE YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

That’s not love. That’s not even close to love. The love you have for your wife? Nope. Not love. The love you have for any of your other chippies? Nope? Your *love* is a cheap ass knock off made in a facility that collasped in and killed hundreds of children workers. Love doesn’t hurt others. Love doesn’t consume. 

You know what’s pathetic? Even if you ever read this (but you wouldn’t because you couldn’t be bothered with other peoples feelings) you wouldn’t feel a damn thing. You told me you were sorry? FUCKING SPARE ME. I know you. I know you haven’t changed one goddamned bit. Fucking your Asian roommate?  Still in touch with Sarah? Working on a new German blond? You are just a ridiculous piece of work. 

I wish you had never trained your sights on me. Because I was kill for you. Completely and totally gutted. Another collected name. I hope you had a good fucking laugh.

Well, fuck you.

You are not chasing me off this work project. I HELPED CREATE IT. Not you. You weren’t even involved. Life may work out that I am not on it any more, but make no fucking mistake – YOU will have had nothing to do with it. I am afraid of NO ONE. Not even a woman eating monster like you.

*deep cleansing breath*

Excuse me while I go have a hot bubble bath and do some much more pleasant travel blogging. 🙂 Let me know if you stopped by on my Am Rebel Will Travel wordpress blog! And thank you to you guys that have. 🙂 

I’m trying to think of a way to continue it… more travel!