I closed down my NSFW tumblr today. It was time. The things I know about what I like sexually don’t need to be reblogged for them to be true. I found I had nothing to say… and when I started that tumblr, and its predecessor, MsAwakening, it was about the sexual journey and the self discovery. It was about me. It had turned into just reblogs, with none of my personality, none of my passion… mostly because my passion is in the shitter.
You can’t be submissive to no one, and it felt more like a lonely cry in the dark, than the wonderful, dizzying, consuming desire it was, and should be.
I don’t know what the future holds for me and my heart. And even though I still love him (K, no throwing things at me!), the blog was doing me no favours. The porn made me sad, and it was a relic of what had happened between us – from meeting, to loving, to the endless parade of hurting, to now.
Also, my sexual side has been feeling like a detached thing. I need to cut that out, and bring it all together again. How, I’m not quite sure, but I’m a work in progress.