Here’s to being un-apologetically us.
To fucking up! To getting back up and trying *again*! To loving! To the insanity of motherhood and saying “fuck you” to the pressures of it! To embracing our sexuality! To forging our own paths and for not picking the easy one.
Hugs, love and friendship! *clink*
I tend to unload a lot of my mental shit that I am trying to work through here on this blog and sometimes it stays up, sometimes I delete it, sometimes its just stupid.
A lot of the time I come across as insecure and unsure. The truth is, I used to be, very. Until I started this blog, until I left my ex, until I started making decisions that made me happy.
I felt pretty amazing at that point. I was doing what I wanted, getting what I wanted. I lost some of the weight I wanted. I worked out like I wanted. It wasn’t easy, but the hardship was minimal.
And then a relationship or two appeared in my life and suddenly things weren’t so clear for me anymore. Those ingrained reactions and instincts return, albeit on a lesser scale. Past experiences tinted my thought process. Additionally, I let events over the last 8 months chip away at some of that hard earned security and safety I had built.
I’m still better than I was. I’m still learning. I’m still picking myself back up, repeatedly. But those little spots of doubt still make themselves known when circumstances aren’t perfect.
The difference from today forward is that I’m not apologizing for it anymore.
I don’t need to.
I’m not broken.
I’m just not perfect and there is nothing wrong with that.
I’m not sitting on my ass letting self doubt and insecurity eat me alive. I’m not ignoring my kids to wallow in cake in the closet. I’m not packing on 5 lbs a week because I don’t care about myself.
I’m moving forward, however fucking slow it might be. You can either come with me, or decide its too much. Sometimes its messy. Sometimes it’s hard and full of tears. Sometimes I fall down and relapse. Sometimes its amazing. Sometimes it’s just… peace. Whatever the choice, I’ll keep going because I’m the only person that defines me and only I can do this.
I may not be the perfect girlfriend. I don’t trust easily, especially if someone have given me reason not to. I don’t always say the right thing. Sometimes I feel the need to fix you when it’s not my place. But I am a pretty fucking amazing girlfriend. I will always be there for you, supporting you in whatever decisions you make. I will always help if I have the means. I will always let you know how I feel and how much I enjoy the physicality of our relationship. I will always sit and talk with you, have spirited discussions, or just sit and be with you. I will always accept and love you, your perceived flaws and all. I will have your back when you think no one else will. I’m not with someone because I don’t have choices or am settling for any number of reasons. I’m with a person because I find value in us, I love us, I love that person and I love what we have between us.
I may not be the perfect mother. I’m not as militant as others. I like giving my kids choices when its acceptable. I want to teach them how to be their own person and be confident in their ability to make choices. I want to teach them respect by giving it to them as they deserve. I want them to know they are loved and accepted no matter who they are. I want them to have the confidence I don’t always have. I’m mindful of all the things I lack and all of my issues when I speak to them because I will not perpetuate the cycle of self hate. I do tell them they are beautiful, smart, amazing, and perfect just the way they are. Simply because they are. I don’t disqualify other parenting methods, this is just mine. Love and logic.
I may not be the perfect roller derby girl. I’m not the skinniest or fastest girl in my league. I fall a lot. I don’t always have perfect form. But I have heart. I have a love for the sport and my team. I have moxie where others lack it. I have qualities that make my team happy to have me on the roster. These woman are the challenge, and simultaneously, the support system I’ve always wanted. We fight, we hug, we hit each other down. But I love them and they love me, through everything.I am doing something a lot of other people are too scared to do. I am doing something that makes me happy.
I may not be the perfect friend. I over schedule myself. I sometimes need time to hermit away and have minimal interaction. I sometimes don’t want to share what is going on with my head. But my best friend doesn’t give a fuck because she see things in me, that I sometimes can’t. She shows up at my bouts with glittered poster board and cheers for me even tho this sport has taken time away from our relationship. She left me hand written notes after my first bout, that little push I needed to not be so hard on myself when I was feeling frustrated that I hadn’t skated the way I thought my team deserved. Maybe it’s because she knows how much I need this journey. Maybe it’s because she loves me as I am. I don’t feel like I always do the right thing when it comes to us, but I will drop everything if she needs me. The time we do get together now that our lives are different is invaluable to me. And I miss the fuck out of her when its been too long.
And lastly, I may not be the perfect shape. I’m fat. I may have lost 64 lbs but I have another 36 to lose at minimum. But I am fucking healthy. Most of the time I make good choices. I work out. I can deadlift 215 lbs and skate 25 laps in 5 minutes. I sometimes cry and freak out because this battle is a never ending war, where sometimes the opposition is my own head, but I do not give up. I may not fit into a size 8 yet, and may not skate 25 laps in 4 minutes, and may have too much jiggle on my ass and thighs. But I won’t let anyone take away from me what I do have, anymore. I am alive when I once didn’t want to be. I can run a 5K if I want to. I can squat and jump when simply the idea scared me at one point. In the end if you take issue with my body, that is on you. Every day is not going to be a super amazing “I LOVE MYSELF DAY” because that is simply unrealistic. But, in large, I can’t apologize for my shape anymore. I have nothing to apologize for. Except maybe to myself for waiting so long to love me the way I should have.
So yeah, I’m pretty fucking amazing. Whether or not you think so is inconsequential.